Category Archives: Self Improvement

Some People Should Come with Warning Labels

Posted on April 1, 2012 in Self Improvement by Sandra Bienkowski

I used to be shocked when I’d meet people who appeared to have little to no self-awareness, and how they came across to others. I was baffled because the behavior was so insensitive, hurtful, selfish, clueless, or _______________ (fill in the blank!) that I couldn’t comprehend how anyone could knowingly act that way. Until one day I learned of this thing called the observing ego.

The observing ego is your ability to step outside yourself and monitor yourself in real time. It’s like watching yourself on video. You are connected to your words, behavior and actions, and you have a good sense of how you are being perceived. But there’s a catch. Not everyone has an observing ego.

People without an observing ego often act in a way that can leave your mouth gaping open. You are left wondering if that person has any clue.

It’s the guy who touts himself as an expert in human behavior and relationships, but during dinner he doesn’t ask a single question about you, and spends most of the meal checked out on his iPhone.

It’s the person who hijacks all conversation at a dinner party to talk nonstop about himself, oblivious to the fact that’s he’s sucking all the energy out of the room.

Or the person on the phone with you who wouldn’t notice if you put the phone down for 20 minutes because the conversation is really just a monologue.

It’s the people you could write a book about, mail it to them and they wouldn’t know it’s about them.

People without an observing ego operate with little to no empathy, a preoccupation with self, and no awareness. It’s like they are human freight trains with no internal gauges or warning signs to tell them to slow down or stop. And these runaway trains can cause wreckage.

Now I’m not saying I live in a constant state of enlightened awareness. I’ve had my moments of cluelessness. I ruined a great friendship once because I kept talking about the latest drama in my life, instead of being a friend to her. I mistakenly operated from a belief that her life was so together that she really didn’t need anything from me. But as Maya Angelou says: Once you know better, you do better.

We all have momentary lapses in judgment or those times when we wish we could get a do over. People who lack an observing ego never have any of those realizations. They operate with no internal compass as to what’s appropriate, and they just plow forward unaware.

I’m not an expert in psychology, so I might not be able to discern someone who is just plain selfish from someone who truly lacks an observing ego, but I think it’s important to know that people without an observing ego exist. Once you know, you won’t let them cloud your happiness or shower you with their insensitivity and selfishness. You can choose to limit your associations. You won’t personalize their actions or beat your head against a wall hoping they will show up differently. Most importantly, you won’t waste your precious time. People without an observing ego aren’t capable of authentic relationships because they aren’t capable of being authentic with themselves.

If someone shows you repeated patterns of lacking empathy, acting unaware and appearing oblivious to your emotions, that’s your red flag. Unless you are fond of wasting your time, don’t try and fix someone who doesn’t have an observing ego. If they have zero awareness of their own behavior, chances are they are far from being open to changing it.

“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” – Aldous Huxley

Filling Up

Posted on March 25, 2012 in Fulfillment, Self Improvement by Sandra Bienkowski

If my self-image had a gauge like a gas tank, the warning light was on and I was almost empty. When I think back to those years, I cringe. I got my opinions from others. I determined my worth by how much the man I was dating was into me. I thought I should only read books with the words “self-help” somewhere on the book jacket cover. I felt incredibly flawed. There were reasons why my tank was near empty—but regardless of that childhood tale—I knew it was my job to fix it.

You can tell a lot about your self-worth by taking a look at your life. When I began therapy, my life was messy. I was fearful to pursue journalism, so I worked as a waitress. I spent money as fast as I made it. My dating vetting process could have used some actual vetting. I was bad at boundaries. I lacked a solid sense of who I am.

Throughout the process of talk therapy, I watched my life improve in each area. I slowly transitioned from empty to whole. As the saying goes, Life works when you do.

Therapy gave me the insights, resources and tools to repair my life. Here are three fundamentals …

Comfort yourself. When this came up in therapy, it sounded so simple, but I didn’t do it. I’d beat myself up, criticize myself, let negative thoughts run wild, and brood about everything. Learning to comfort myself meant being on my own side, showing compassion to myself (even when I make mistakes) and building up my internal support system. When life throws you a punch, you can take it. You offer comfort to yourself just as you would to a relative or friend who is in need.

Set boundaries. Boundaries are a great indicator of self-esteem. Boundaries are your limits for acceptable behavior from those around you. I had to figure out where I begin and end. Boundaries mean no one else can ruin your day because there isn’t a blurred line from that person’s life to yours. Setting boundaries means you determine how you are treated. You make decisions even if it means other people might be upset with you. You don’t set aside your values or how you feel to keep others happy. You live according to your own terms.

Know your worth. Go full tilt. I joke with my husband regularly telling him he’s lucky to be married to someone as fabulous as me. Sometimes I glance in the mirror and say, “Damn, I look good.” Or he will give me a compliment and I will respond with, “I know.” And these days, I’m only half joking. When you successfully fight to construct your self-worth, it becomes a precious jewel. You fiercely protect your investment. You notice the ways you are fabulous. You can laugh at yourself. You readily take compliments when they are given. You find the real joy and resilience that comes from loving yourself. It’s the greatest gift you can give to yourself and to your life.

Once your self-worth is on solid footing, you no longer need validation from others. One day I was in a work meeting where two associates boasted about how rehashing their childhoods isn’t for them; instead, they believe in pushing forward to achieve goals. They laughed and slapped each other on the back like it puts them in a cooler, stronger camp than those who seek therapy. I smiled to myself. It’s the most courageous among us who face our pasts so we can be whole and strong going forward.

 

Stop Feeling Better and Get Better

Posted on March 17, 2012 in Fulfillment, Self Improvement by Sandra Bienkowski

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” —Winston Churchill

Back in my twenties, I had a boyfriend who was controlling. He hid it well at first, charming me with his confidence, his bartender status and sous chef talents. The crazy came rolling out after I was completely smitten. At first it was just, “Where were you?” and “Who’s that calling you?” Soon, he was trying to tell me who I could be friends with and what I could wear. I knew I should leave him. I pictured his control escalating and my future involving one of those seedy live cop shows—with me crying as the police dragged my boyfriend off to jail. It didn’t match who I am. That’s when my psychologist told me there’s a difference between feeling better and truly getting better.

So, I broke up with my boyfriend. And that decision would have counted as getting better if I made it stick. Instead, I kept caving in and going back to him to feel better. Feeling better is temporary. It’s the quick fix to get rid of uncomfortable emotions. Getting better can be permanent. It’s dealing with pain or discomfort to improve your life. I got it. This bad boy boyfriend (who I naively thought I could fix) was like my drug. Leaving him hurt me, and I wanted to stop hurting, so I disregarded what staying meant for my future.

It is human nature to want to feel better and not push ourselves in the direction of pain, hardship, sacrifice or discomfort. It’s natural to avoid pain that lasts for quick decisions that can make us feel better right now. So we eat too much, drink too much or work too much to distract ourselves from pain, bury emotions and feel better.

But then we don’t grow.

When we refrain from making decisions, deny reality or avoid responsibility to feel better, life doesn’t get better. (Feeling better doesn’t last.) Getting better always involves doing something you don’t want to do, and it always results in life dramatically improving. To get there, we have to choose short-term discomfort for long-term benefits. We have to work against our desire for instant gratification to achieve permanent life improvement. And it takes courage.

We live in a world of feel better. Depressed? Can’t sleep? Have anxiety? Take a drug. Disregard your health for most of your life? They make drugs for that too. But quick fixes are just Band-Aids, covering up the problem. They might provide temporary relief, but they don’t solve underlying problems. Lasting change doesn’t happen until we choose to do the hard work and are willing to endure pain to get better.

My psychologist finally awakened me to the danger of staying with someone who was increasingly controlling. I left him for good. Even though I could intellectualize why it was the right decision, it was still painful and uncomfortable to walk away. I envisioned how I wanted my future to look to get through it. Getting better permanently, finally won out over feeling better temporarily.

Whenever you choose feeling better over getting better, your life will stay stuck. What are you doing in your life to feel better? Ask yourself: Is it worth sacrificing my future?

Listen to Your Gut

Posted on March 4, 2012 in Happiness, Self Improvement by Sandra Bienkowski

I think the worst kind of silence you can have is with yourself. You disconnect a little from what you are feeling. You live on the surface mentally. Days fly by with your regular routine and you never stop to ask yourself if you are content. It can even seem like a safe and comfortable way to live.

It’s actually the riskiest. Precious time is lost plodding along. You may start selling yourself on the notion that life is supposed to be endured. Or you start believing life can’t be any different. Worse, you can end up with a whole pile of regret.

Back in high school, I used to tell six friends the same story (separately) to get their feedback on what I should do or think. Granted, my decisions weren’t life-altering back then, but sadly, I didn’t trust my own opinion. I didn’t listen to my gut. It took me years to learn I had all the answers if I just listened and trusted those whispers of my intuition.

Your inner voice talks to you all the time, you just have to practice hearing it. You may have to slow down to hear it if you are drowning it out by keeping yourself insanely busy. Or you have to put yourself first and stop using the needs of others as a tactic to avoid taking a hard look at your own life. Maybe you have to stop selling yourself on a lot of untruths.

I write in a journal to connect to what I am truly thinking and feeling. The writing process is a powerful tool of self-reflection, revealing emotions and providing clarity. You don’t have to be a writer to do it. Ditch any preconceived notions of diaries being childish, grab a notebook and let your thoughts flow. The process evokes your inner voice to sort through problems and find solutions with clarity. It’s a calming process that allows you to exhale into who you really are.

While I’ve never lost my gift for gab or analysis, now I direct my life from my own instincts. I am more grounded, focused and constantly in tune with how I can make my life better.

Your inner voice is on your side. It’s the truest you. It’s not the part of you that broods or critiques, it’s the part of you that’s wise. It also doesn’t lie to you. Just give your inner wisdom a voice by playing journalist. Ask yourself questions.

What do I really think?
How do I really feel about __________?
What in my life isn’t congruent with who I am?
What needs to change so I love my life?
What decision do I need to make even if it’s difficult?
Is there something I avoid thinking about that I need to solve?
What do I really want?
If I had a magic wand, how would I change my life?

The reason why many people go on automatic pilot and disconnect from their inner voice is because it’s easier to stick with the status quo than it is to change. But the cost is higher. If you ignore those whispers of discontent, life never gets better, and it often gets worse.

If you bravely answer tough questions, you may have to make difficult decisions and endure the discomfort of change. Yet once you do, life is so much sweeter on the other side. Life always improves as you make decisions to align it with your most authentic self.

When you commit to the brutal truth and listen to your inner voice, you become empowered. You realize you are strong enough to hear it. You see the value in seeking your own counsel and it builds confidence. You quickly realize there’s a direct line from the decisions you make to your life improving. You feel more alive than ever before.

If you let yourself talk—really talk—what would you say?

Sometimes getting the answers on how to direct your life can be as easy as telling yourself that you already have the answers. The hard part is listening.

You Already Have What You Need

Posted on February 28, 2012 in Gratitude, Self Improvement by Sandra Bienkowski

“Sir, it is surprising how many people will go to a distance for what they may have at home.”
— Samuel Johnson

Whenever I see advertisements in the Sunday newspaper for my favorite department stores, I suddenly feel the need to shop. (Apparently, I’m an advertiser’s dream.) As I flip through the pages, I suddenly am in desperate need for a new pair of heels, the sparkly purse, or maybe a beautiful off the shoulder blouse. I tear out the pages and plan my next shopping excursion.

Until I realized one day that I already have what I need. I was organizing my over-stuffed closet with enough bedazzled flip flops to outfit a beauty pageant, and decided I should just stop. With tops and bottoms that have never met, and an entire side of my closet dedicated to dresses (some still with tags), I wondered why I don’t value what I already have. And then I thought …

What else do I think I need that I already possess?

While I am a total junkie for self-improvement and goal-setting, it’s a mistake to believe you don’t have it all right now. Your value doesn’t rest on a purchase, an accomplishment, a relationship or the number of zeros in your salary. Your happiness shouldn’t be postponed until you achieve or acquire something.

Fulfillment doesn’t exist outside of you—from a new pair of shoes or someone else validating you. Your worth fully exists inside of you. You just have to tap into it. Sometimes it takes a little practice. You may even need to construct it from the ground up.

If your self-worth is based on an external thing—when the thing goes away–your worth goes away with it. If you feel your worth innately, people (and life!) will have a tough time knocking you off balance.

You can still set goals, maximize your potential and squeeze as much life into your days as possible, while also choosing to see and absorb internally all the amazing gifts in your life. Your happiness and worth are waiting for you here in the present. Shouldn’t we celebrate where we are and let ourselves arrive? As the saying goes, if not now, when?

Many high achievers thrive by living in constant pursuit mode. Their lives can become stuck on fast forward, and they never (simply) press play. You can be in pursuit and still relish in the present. If you don’t, then you are in a never-ending chase. You might miss the abundance that already exists in your life.

If you operate from a mindset of thinking you already have what you need, you can be happy right now. Suddenly you notice life overflowing. You become aware of the abundance around you. You feel waves of gratitude. You are present in your life. You have arrived.

Fulfillment doesn’t exist out there. As author Gabrielle Bernstein aptly puts it: “If your happiness is based on external circumstances, you are f**ked.” Your internal experience is what you can control.

When you slow down to consider that you may already have what you need—you just might discover it is true. Maybe the next time I feel the urge to shop, I will shop my own closet first.

Eradicate Denial in Your Life

Posted on January 24, 2012 in Self Improvement by Sandra Bienkowski

Denial is a tricky thing. Someone told me once that denial is the reason you see overweight women wearing tight white spandex in the mall. Now I know it’s the reason really bad singers are surprised when they get booted off American Idol. It’s Paula Deen claiming she didn’t get diabetes from eating her own (butter and sugar) cooking.

We all can have moments of denial. We sell ourselves on some illusion (of ourselves, of a relationship, of our behaviors) because reality is just a little too painful to digest. But healthy people spin out of these brief lapses of denial and reenter the world of reality. They look back on periods of denial and ask themselves questions like … What was I thinking? What could I have done differently? Why did I disconnect from what I know is true? They evaluate their actions and behaviors to change, and to be more connected and aware next time.

The less denial is a part of your life, the healthier and more fulfilling your life will be. People mired in denial are far from improving their lives because they can’t even admit what their issues are or that they are the cause. You can hold a mirror up to someone in denial and they don’t see themselves—not as they really are.

People who want their lives to continually improve—those who want to live their potential—are in a constant search and destroy mission to eradicate denial from their lives. These brave souls purposefully take a hard look at their choices, explanations and mistakes. They get up close and uncomfortable with their issues, and then take a good, long look. They take their insights and absorb them—even if they are painful.

As people move away from denial, they become unstuck. Progress happens. They don’t lie to themselves or others to appear more comfortable or likeable. They face issues, take full responsibility for their actions and resolve to improve. They don’t use other people or excuses to explain their problems. They make decisions faster because they know who they really are. They have more authentic relationships. They evolve.

If you shift your life constantly toward brutal honesty, you can eradicate denial from your life. You will become stronger every time you make it through a situation without selling yourself on some bedtime story to make yourself feel better. As a wise man once told me, “There’s a big difference between feeling better and getting better.” Without denial, you can live a more fulfilling life because you are completely present and fully engaged. There’s no unhealthy buffer between you and the world. Without denial, you can live full out.

Or you can join the ranks of people who lie to themselves so they can stay in their comfort zones, play victim and avoid the hard work of change. The consequence of living in denial is that your life never improves.

Ultimately, the only person you can fix is yourself, despite how much you might like to go around waking other people out of denial. You can only empower your own future. As I was counseled, you only have to play your side of the tennis match. Don’t jump the net and attempt to play the other side because you want to fix everything or manipulate the outcome. Just serve and let go.

Your side of the game is the only thing you can control anyway.