Author Archives: Sandra Bienkowski

A few words about me
Sandra Bienkowski

Sandra Bienkowski is a nationally published writer and a fun enthusiast, believing every minute of every day is an opportunity to live your best life.

Dear Me: Cringe Worthy Moments

Posted on October 28, 2012 in Fun by Sandra Bienkowski

“The challenge of life is to be awake in your life and constantly participate in your life.” Susan Sarandon

Most mornings my husband reads Dear Abby as he goes through the morning newspaper. He often says, “Babe, you have to read this one; it’s good.” Usually that means one of two things. 1. Someone has written in with a problem we can’t wrap our heads around. Or 2. Dear Abby doled out a big dish of reality check. (Sometimes both)

There was the letter from a woman who said her husband had an affair with the woman who lives next door. Her husband claimed the affair was over but was insistent that the three of them continue their friendship like nothing happened. The wife had a sneaking suspicion the affair might not be over, and it was making her crazy to play nice and all socialize together.

There was another letter from a wife who was devastated to find out her husband doesn’t want to reverse his vasectomy as promised when they were dating. Desperately wanting kids, she doesn’t know what to do now that her husband has no interest in having a baby post-marriage.

Easily there’s at least one letter a week that makes me cringe. It’s like the answers are screaming at them, but they are oblivious. It bugs me because I can relate.

We all have moments in our lives we look back on and wonder what in the heck we were thinking. I could write my own top 10 cringe list, complete with embarrassing decisions I made in the past from jobs that were a waste of my time and talent, to boyfriends no parent would want you to bring home. But I don’t regret my less than stellar moments, because my missteps shook me awake, and now I am wiser and more decisive as a result.

The goal, as I see it, is to only have cringe worthy moments, not a cringe-filled life. It requires taking a hard look at your mistakes and repeated patterns. It’s about accepting responsibility for the role you play in your own messes, so you can make better decisions going forward.

Unfortunately, it seems like many people live lives half awake, refusing to take a look at their own behavior, or staying stuck on a Merry-go-Round of the same problem. Denial is a tricky thing and it consumes some people in moments, other people entirely. Only when you realize you are the common denominator of your problems, and it’s your job to fix them, does life improve.

If you are writing Dear Abby a letter wondering if you should continue the friendship with the woman who had an affair with your husband, it’s time to get reality back in your line of vision because you aren’t even asking the right questions. Long before asking if you should stay friends with a woman who cheated with your husband, you should ask yourself if you should stay with your husband. Ask what it says about your husband’s character that he cheats, AND wants you to take a front row seat for a painful and demoralizing friendship trio. While you are at it, you might want to ask yourself what it says about you to let people treat you this way. When there’s no respect, a relationship is over.

As for the woman who suddenly finds herself married to a man who doesn’t want kids, I immediately wonder how long they dated prior to marriage. Your partner’s character shouldn’t surprise you post-nuptials. I find marriage works best when you know what you’re getting. If you are in a healthy, committed relationship, the intimacy should be such that you can ask or talk about anything, and not be surprised about an issue as big as having kids once the walking down the aisle part is over.

Before people type these letters to Dear Abby, I think they should first ask themselves one question: Do I already have the answer? Sometimes asking for advice is just a stall tactic to avoid making painful decisions and taking action that isn’t easy. When you are brave enough to say to yourself: “Okay, I already have the answers here, now what should I do?” It’s empowering.

No one knows you better than you know yourself. No offense to Dear Abby, but most people probably don’t need to write that letter. You don’t need anyone to tell you what to do; you just need someone to tell you that you already have the answer … because you do.

Schedule Your Happiness

Posted on October 2, 2012 in Fun by Sandra Bienkowski

“Learn to value yourself, which means to fight for your happiness.” Ayn Rand

I think there’s an aspect to happiness that doesn’t get enough of our focus. It’s being in the state of happy anticipation of an activity, event, moment or day that’s around the corner. Looking forward to something is a huge contributor to our overall happiness and outlook. Even if today has some type of drudgery slated for a particular hour, if you have something that excites you planned for tomorrow, you can sail through today’s drudgery with a smile on your face.

We live in a culture that bemoans Mondays and cheers Fridays, and accepts that you are supposed to hate the days in between. Welcome to adulthood some people say. That’s just part of making a living and being able to pay your bills other people say. I think it’s a bunch of crap.

No matter what your situation, you have a choice.

If you dislike your job, if you are tired of work politics, the unnecessary drama, the yucky feeling in your gut, or how you feel like it’s just a job and not something you are passionate about—you can make a choice to remove yourself from that situation. As the saying goes, the best time to look for a job is when you already have one. (Or be an entrepreneur and create one!) Regardless of your take on the economy, change is possible. It’s simply a choice.

I think too many people put up with 40 plus hours a week of drudgery because they think that’s how life is supposed to be, or they are afraid to change. Change is an invisible unknown. Change means you don’t know what’s in store for you and some people would rather choose the uncomfortable familiar, than what they don’t know. Since a job can be a huge chunk of every week of your existence, and this is your one and only life, you ought to love it. Really.

You will never hear me say I can’t wait for Friday or I hate Monday because I don’t want to live that way. I love to look forward to things, so I try to create a life where I look forward to most of it. I try to live daily in a state of gratitude. My philosophy of creating a life I love applies across the board—from the big things, like my husband and my self-employment, to the little things, like how my day unfolds.

I passionately believe you can create a life filled with happiness if you …

1. Plan it.
2. Luxuriate in it. (Revel in all of your happy moments, today’s highlights and those on your calendar.)

It’s a philosophy I live with daily practice. Right now I am looking forward to …

a day at the spa this weekend with friends

a long visit from my mom

hosting a celebrate fall party in a week

the day-to-day changes in my pregnancy

a baby shower with my family in my home state of New York

seeing Madonna in concert finally

working on lots of writing projects for clients and for me

I don’t waste days sitting around looking forward to an upcoming event, instead I look forward to upcoming moments while I craft today with something else to get excited about. Little things count. Happiness may be a walk with my husband, an hour with a great book, a conversation with a friend, journaling, or watching a favorite program.

If you want to be happier, plan it. Put something on your calendar you will look forward to three months from now, next month, this week and today.

Try to consistently remove things from your calendar you dread. Even if it’s a person or a job, remove yourself from the negative association no matter how much work or time it takes.

Always be reading a book you don’t want to put down.

Don’t let a day pass by without spending some time doing what you love most.

Notice what makes you happy and plan more of it.

Stay in tune with gratitude. Take time to think about all the people, experiences and gifts in your life you are grateful for each day. Be grateful for the tiniest sparks of happiness in your days and those bigger happy moments on your calendar.

If you were sold a myth that life has to be difficult and endured, reject it. Plan happy moments. Notice spontaneous happy moments. Absorb the anticipation of all the happiness coming up and schedule more happiness on your calendar. Then watch happiness flow into your life.

A Simple Relationship Test

Posted on August 15, 2012 in Fun by Sandra Bienkowski

“You can never love anyone to your own detriment. That is not love, that is possession, control, fear, or a combination of them all.” – Iyanla Vanzant

For most of my 20s and a good chunk of my 30s, I had a unique skill. I was particularly gifted at finding men to date who were missing an essential ingredient of a healthy personality—empathy. Plenty of experiences and exchanges along the way were giant neon signs telling me: No Empathy Here, Lost: Empathy, or to be crass, Asshole Here.

One man really took the no empathy cake. You know how you have cringe worthy moments? In retrospect, my two years with him was a cringe worthy moment. As self-aware as I always attempt to be, my fear of not finding Mr. Right would sometimes plunge me deep into denial, clutching tightly to Mr. Wrong. This guy was a disaster from day one. It was no mystery. I just blindly decided to ignore the signs.

Fast forward to today and I am happily married to someone with empathy coming out of his pores, so why do I share this tale now? I hope my story can spare someone else from making the same mistake, and wasting the time I did. I think we can make faster progress in our lives when we learn from the missteps of others, in this case, me.

The number one way to tell if you are in a good relationship boils down to one question. Does your relationship make your life better? It’s a simple, yet effective way to separate the duds from the studs. Life quality tends to plummet with the wrong person. If you are in the right relationship, life improves in all sorts of ways, individually and as a couple.

[DISCLAIMER: I’m not saying you need to be in a relationship to improve your life, I’m saying if your relationship doesn’t improve your life, you could be in the wrong one.]

Long ago I learned from my psychologist that our intimate relationships, more than any other aspect of our lives, are a reflection of our overall mental health. To oversimplify, someone could have a thriving career, money in the bank, a rigorous fitness regimen, great friendships, but if he/she is dating a disaster, he/she could use a little mental health work.

For me, I had friends who met my Mr. Zero Empathy and they immediately disliked him. My family? They were silent at the time, but later told me they wondered what I was thinking.

My life took all sorts of negative spirals.

I noticed my bank account dwindling because he wanted to go out all the time (almost every day) but he was King of going Dutch. (I’m not saying women should never pay, but I do believe your long-term BF should treat once in a while.)

I felt alone in the relationship as I watched Zero Empathy stare at other girls. (You are cringing for me now, right?)

Zero Empathy even joked once when we were rappelling that I had misstepped. He laughed at his joke while his feet were safely on the ground and I was blindly pushing off a ledge.

Soon, I noticed every event we went to had alcohol at its center—camping, crawfish boils, running events (after), pool parties and vacations. While I love some good red and some fruity martinis, a constant focus on alcohol, even during the work week, was just another sign that my life wasn’t moving in the right direction.

Zero Empathy didn’t make me feel like he was in my corner. I had an abscessed tooth once and was in excruciating pain. I needed meds to get me through the night to my appointment with the endodontist the next morning. Zero Empathy reminded me on the phone of how close I lived to the drugstore, you know, instead of volunteering to help me out.

Point is, if you are with a Zero Empathy, your life is likely taking hits in areas outside of your relationship.

Maybe your bank account …

Or you are compromising your physical health …

A shadow is cast over your outlook or spirit …

Maybe friends tell you that you are acting differently …

Or your relationship has halted your life progress …

It is likely people in your life don’t like your significant other …

If you are in the right relationship, life improves. Period. Healthy relationships bring out the best in you.

Do a quick relationship check. Is there empathy? If that’s missing, nothing will fix your relationship. People who lack empathy only care about themselves. Next, check and see if life is improving. If it isn’t getting better, or if it’s getting worse, exit stage left and don’t look back.

Put Worry Less on Your To Do List

Posted on August 6, 2012 in Fulfillment, Happiness, Self Improvement by Sandra Bienkowski

I interviewed Wayne Dyer a few years ago and he said something that stuck with me. “Worry is the most useless of emotions.” I jotted it down in my notebook and made a mental note to think about it later. Worry? Useless? So we should aspire to get rid of worry?

Worry was one of those things I just thought we do as humans, kind of like breathing. We worry about the majors—when the life of anyone we love is at stake, but there are 1,000 minor ways we all drum up worry too. What if I get sick on vacation? Do I have enough time to meet my deadline? What if I eat this bowl of ice cream and gain weight? What if my Facebook post isn’t as funny as I think it is and I am defriended in droves? You know … regular every day worry!

Then I realized Dr. Dyer was right. Worry is useless. It only makes you feel negative emotions—fear, anxiety, brooding, panic or stress. Worry never gets you to a better place. Worry doesn’t change outcomes.

I think many of us may mistakenly believe worry is a prayer in reverse. If we brood and worry and put ourselves in a negative space, maybe those bad outcomes won’t happen. The reality is, whether we worry or not, the outcome will be the same. Worry only lengthens the time we spend simmering in negative soup.

So, I made up my mind. I’d start worrying less. Fast forward to today, and I think everyone should put Worry Less on their To Do lists because there are so many benefits.

Worry takes over your mind. I heard once that worrisome thoughts produce faster than rabbits. You get a headache and you think it is brain cancer. Bored one day you read the little packet of info that comes with your box of tampons, and immediately you think you have toxic shock syndrome. Worry can multiply in your mind. But you can stop it. Just say, “That’s ridiculous” and move your mind along to a positive place.

Worry can make little things seem big. Take this very moment as an example. As I write this, I’m stuck in the Boston airport with a flight delay that will make me miss my connection home. I made a decision not to worry about it. I can’t change it. I can, however, decide not to let it impact me negatively. I say, “Oh well” and I tell my brain something positive like: Now you have more time to write your blog. It’s so much more relaxing than having an emotional reaction to something I have zero control over.

Worry keeps you stuck. You can worry that you won’t meet Mr. Right, like I used to, but that can keep you with Mr. Wrong too long. You can worry about making the wrong decision and that can prevent you from making any decisions at all. Worry can keep you stuck, but it won’t keep you safe.

Worry doesn’t change anything. Do you ever notice that when you worry about certain things or situations, you later realize the worrying part was worse than the actual thing you were worried about? It’s easy to let worry spiral until it gets you into a state of angst. That’s why it’s important to remember it’s a useless emotion. It doesn’t improve your life.

Worry gets you tangled up in what people think of you. I used to be afflicted with the disease to please. I came out of my childhood naively thinking I could have a life where everyone would like me. Soon I cared more about what other people thought of me than my own opinion of myself. It was like I was an empty bucket and I kept approaching everyone for a cup of water. When I stopped worrying about what other people thought of me, I became more likeable … to others and to me. It’s also empowering because you no longer need anyone’s approval. How liberating is that? Worrying about what other people think is living an imprisoned life. Decide your opinion about your life is the only one that matters.

Reducing worry in your life is a work in process. I keep my own version of the serenity prayer in my head to tackle worry. First, I ask myself if I can do anything about it. If I can do something, then I take action. Action always helps mitigate worry. If I can’t do anything about a potential source of worry, I accept it and let go.

Ironically, it’s calming to let go of outcomes you can’t do anything about. Using your energy to try and control things you can’t control is exhausting—and futile. Plus, you free up your energy to focus on all of those things you can control.

Don’t make the mistake of believing your worrying state is helping you direct your life. It isn’t. If you make a resolution to give up on worry you will actually have more control of your life than you have ever had before. No longer will you be devoting your mental space to negative emotions and energy of what might happen. Instead, you will be busy making your life happen.

There are so many better places to let your mind live than in the land of worry. As author Dan Zadra says, “Worry is a misuse of imagination.”

The Lost Art of Conversation

Posted on July 17, 2012 in Fun by Sandra Bienkowski

I’ve committed a few conversational etiquette crimes in my 40 plus years. In high school, I would survey about six friends to validate my own opinions. I’ve always had a tendency to analyze things to death, and through the years, friends and family had to listen … a lot. Then there was that period of my life where I was so good at creating drama, and then I spent the other half of my time filling my friends’ ears about it. Let’s just say I have conversational regrets. Since I can’t go back and fix those selfish blunders, I’ve chalked it up to a great learning experience.

“When you know better, you do better.” – Maya Angelou

My social gaffes opened my eyes to the art of conversation. One of my favorite things is to have a deep conversation where it feels like a well-choreographed dance. It’s the opposite of surface, awkward chitchat. You get lost in the conversation. Time flies. New perspectives and insights are shared, and relationships are deepened. There’s even an art to casual conversation. I love social settings where the conversation is like a tennis match, everyone gets a chance to serve and hit the ball back and share the limelight. So why does it seem like the fine art of conversation is dying?

The most common type of conversation these days is the monologue. It’s titled, “I’m so fascinating, I am going to make you my audience.” You are either cornered in a group setting by someone who will monopolize you, or your whole group is dominated by one person talking endlessly about themselves. I keep seeing it happen. After spending the whole time listening, I get home and realize, “Wow, that person didn’t ask one thing about me.”

I get that people like to talk about themselves. I joke with my husband that talking about me is my favorite topic, and he’s not quite sure I’m joking. But to dominate a conversation to the exclusion of everyone else is a major social blunder. I may politely listen, but in my head I’m wondering how someone can be so unaware. I think: It really doesn’t matter how captivating your stories may be, if you never let anyone else ever have the floor, you are only conveying one message about yourself—and it isn’t good.

Last time I checked, conversation includes banter. It’s a give and take and a somewhat balanced mix of sharing stories, responding, commenting and listening.

A conversation isn’t a litany of everything going on in your life and then we both hang up the phone.

A conversation isn’t turning friends into an audience for your endless stories and forgetting to ask even one tiny question about the other person.

A conversation isn’t reciting resume and career highlights since you graduated college because you are so impressed with yourself.

A conversation isn’t repeating the same stories because you are oblivious.

I don’t contend that I am perfect. Sometimes I talk with a friend and later when I return home or hang up the phone, I wonder if I offered too much of my opinion in my desire to help. I try and remind myself not to overstep boundaries because there are times when people just need to talk, and they may not want my input. I also work on rambling less, not repeating myself and listening more.

We could get the art of conversation back if we made the decision to be more interested with other people and less so with ourselves. Conversations will improve if people focus on the art of listening and remember that behind every face there are some beautiful stories that can expand our understanding of each other.

It’s a colossal conversational blunder to take center stage and turn friends, family or business associates into an audience for a rendition of “No one is as fascinating as me.”

What about you, do you think conversation is a lost art form?

Sentences I Hate to Hear

Posted on July 10, 2012 in Fulfillment, Self Improvement by Sandra Bienkowski

I consider myself quite chill. I smile a lot. I roll with things. You will never find me screaming at a gate agent in an airport … or screaming at anyone for that matter. My husband takes longer to order at a restaurant than I do. I know what my opinions are, but I don’t expect the rest of the world to share them. See? I’m rather chill. Chill except for when I hear certain sentences that really get under my skin. Certain words put together annoy me to such an extent I am dedicating this blog to sentences I hate to hear.

You are newlyweds.
When my husband and I talk about how we like to jog together, shop together or plan our weeks together, we often hear, “Well, you are newlyweds.” Grrrrr. Oh, so that means the quality of our marriage is due to its newness? Should we just pack it in because our relationship is bound to plummet the longer we are married? I realize time will have to back me up on this one to convince the cynics, but I know the quality of our relationship is due to the quality of our communication and not its short duration. Check back with us in 10 years. I know we will be the same way. It’s who we are. We talk about things. We discuss the kind of relationship we want to have. We are open about what irritates us and how we can fix those things, as well as what we love about each other. We don’t avoid any topics. We both want a happy, fun and tension-free home and relationship, so that’s what we create. In fact, as I was writing this blog, my husband popped into my home office and handed me an article on how successful relationships have a lot to do with the level of empathy on both sides, and then he told me he’s so grateful he found me. The quality of our relationship has zero to do with its newness and everything to do with the effort we put toward it.

You don’t have kids.
People actually say this to my husband and me as some sort of (weird) explanation as to why we are happy. It’s such a bizarre thing to say. (First, my husband does have kids, they just happen to be grown.) Second, I thought people have kids to enhance their families and happiness?

When we talk to people about how we love the flexibility of our entrepreneurial lifestyle, taking trips, and scheduling fun events on weekends, the response is often, “Well, you don’t have kids.” How do they expect me to respond? “Oh yes, you are right. If we had kids we probably wouldn’t have a life at all.” I get that life changes dramatically with children, but life doesn’t have to suspend. If we had kids together I guarantee we’d still pull out our calendars and plan our fun. We’d sync up our schedules so we could coordinate some future trips. I guarantee we wouldn’t use our kids as some excuse for why our lives are on hold. I know plenty of parents of young kids who have totally rich, fulfilling lives. (Isn’t that the kind of example you’d want to set for your kids anyway?) Plus, there are plenty of people without kids who let their lives unfold on a couch in front of a TV. The type of life you live is due to your mindset and your daily choices, not the number of heartbeats inside your home.

You are lucky.
Whether it’s the joyful story of how I found and reunited with my birth family, how I work for myself, or my bubbly happiness, many people have told me I’m lucky. I cringe when I hear it. Telling someone they are lucky is the equivalent of telling someone they aren’t responsible for their circumstances. I can’t recall a time when I have ever told anyone they are lucky because it’s not giving credit where credit is due. The blessings in my life aren’t the result of magic universe fairy dust, but hard work. During the years I procrastinated on my search for my birth mom, nothing happened. When I got frustrated with my inaction and got serious, it took months of phone calls, letters and research to find my amazing birth family. I promise you luck had nothing to do with it.

I even worked hard for my happiness, putting myself in therapy at a young age so I could learn the tools to dig myself out of depression. Telling me I am lucky discounts the effort I put into making my life the way it is today. While I don’t expect people to know my past, I do expect people not to make ridiculous assumptions by telling me I’m lucky.

I think the undercurrent of these annoying sentences is a victim mentality. Many people believe life happens to them and they often blame external circumstances for what they lack. I learned firsthand how much you can change your life by managing and directing your thoughts and actions. Fulfilling lives aren’t reserved for newlyweds, couples without kids or the lucky—they happen when you get clear on what a fulfilling life looks like to you, and then you chase it down and make it happen.

Embracing Imperfection

Posted on July 1, 2012 in Fulfillment, Happiness, Self Improvement by Sandra Bienkowski

“Will you make the choices to enhance your spirit or those that drain your power?” –Caroline Myss

I was never cut out to be a perfectionist. I leave rejected outfits on my closet floor in my frustration to figure out what to wear. I make a mess when I cook. I trip over my own feet more than the average person. l put my Starbucks coffee on the roof of my car and I almost drive off. My husband wonders how I sometimes get laundry detergent on the wall when I am washing our clothes. I catch him smiling and shaking his head at me. He’s one of those perfectionist types, detailed, patient and precise.

Back in my early twenties when my self-image was in the dumpster, I’d use my clumsy or air-headed moments as proof that I should feel like crap about myself. Look at that dumb thing you just said or the clumsy thing you just did, I’d think. You just looked like a fool, I’d tell myself. I thought only perfect people deserve love. I was on a search and destroy mission of me. I looked for proof that I wasn’t cool or perfectly together, and I used the evidence to chip away even more at my self-esteem.

Talk therapy helped me stop the assault on myself. I learned that people are supposed to have flaws and bad parts. We all look silly or foolish sometimes. We make mistakes or have moments where we say or do the wrong thing. Chalk it up to the being human thing. I realized my worth isn’t defined by how perfect I appear to other people. I discovered striving for perfection is a pointless pursuit because no one ever arrives.

Turns out, I am totally loveable flawed. It wasn’t an overnight epiphany, but a slow evolution into loving who I am, just the way I am. But once I got to total self-acceptance, life had a sense of freedom it never had before.

I let go of what people think of me.

I used to hand the power of my life over to other people. If someone said something positive to me, I felt positive. Negative? I felt negative. If I was criticized, I viewed it as a verdict instead of an opinion. If I was dating someone who didn’t want to date me anymore (even if I didn’t want to date him either) I viewed the rejection as a declaration of my unworthiness. If I ever had a conflict with a friend or if someone acted weird to me, I’d wonder what I did.

Slowly, I stopped giving other people the power to determine how I should feel about me. I started setting boundaries left and right. If I felt mistreated by someone, I ended the friendship or the relationship. I started being authentic with my feelings, instead of trying to appease everyone in some misguided attempt to get the whole world to like me. I got my answers internally and I started to feel increasingly empowered.

No longer can anyone else control my mood, determine my value, or impact my outlook. I don’t look to other people for their approval. I must confess that I still love compliments and accolades, but I don’t need them anymore to feel a sense of worth. If someone treats me in a way that isn’t positive now, I immediately wonder what their issue is, and I often assume it has nothing to do with me. As the saying goes, “What you think of me is none of my business.”

I stop letting my blunders define me.

Today I completely embrace my little mishaps or mistakes. I laugh when I trip. I crack myself up when I walk into a room and forget why I am there. I’m okay with my temporary messiness. I don’t even work on correcting my little idiosyncrasies that make me imperfect, because it’s who I am. And it’s so dang liberating.

Don’t get me wrong, I still work on me. I work on getting fit. I work on becoming a better writer. I read personal development books all the time. I work on being a better person. I just don’t think I need to work on being perfect. People can love you (madly!) flawed.

Sharing our imperfections connects us to each other on a real level. We can cut through the superficial crap, drop the pretense and be real. Perfect is an illusion. If someone makes you think you need to be perfect to be loved, you don’t need that person. When you let go of the pursuit of perfection, you can turn your mind from a place that torments you—to the best place in the world to live.

What School Didn’t Teach You

Posted on June 16, 2012 in Fulfillment, Self Improvement by Sandra Bienkowski

I have more than 30 journals piled into an old trunk. I’ve been writing in journals since I was 10. I started with tiny diaries with a lock and key, and moved on to hardbound journals. The words never stopped flowing. If a teacher said we were going to have an essay test, I was one of the few in class excited about it. I took college English in high school. Teachers said I had a talent for writing. Combine that with my penchant for analyzing and questioning everything—especially people—and I knew in my teens that I wanted to be a writer and journalist.

But I didn’t feel smart. My grades were all over the map. I needed a tutor to get through high school math. I despised math and didn’t understand its purpose. Friends would ask what level of calculus I took, and I’d laugh. Calculus? Are you kidding me? I never took a class.

Yet no one ever told me, “That’s okay.” No one ever said, “You don’t have to be smart or have strengths in everything.” My struggle in math and the parent/teacher expectation that I get straight A’s left me feeling dumb and inadequate. While I have the ability to come up with ideas to write about all day, every day, off the cuff, no one said, “Explore the strength of your creativity.”

It was well into adulthood before I learned being well-rounded is a bunch of crap. While being aware of your weaknesses is good, focusing on your weaknesses is a waste of time. Sure, you may have to put a little extra effort into decent grades in subjects you don’t like when you are young, but your power and happiness is found in your strengths.

Your strengths are your guideposts to your purpose. Channel your energy to hone your strengths (instead of trying to improve your weaknesses), so you can maximize your potential. Think of your strengths, abilities, interests and passion as your compass. They point you in the right direction. Weaknesses don’t mean you are flawed or not smart; they are only friendly indicators of what you shouldn’t be doing. (Turns out, I will never be a math professor.)

I believe we are all born with unique gifts that reveal who we are supposed to be. Kids show signs of who they are meant to be through their interests. There’s a famous chef who loved preparing food with his mom when he was a child, and an Olympic champion who never left the pool as a kid. There is the young girl who feels alive when she is pretending to be other characters and knows she is supposed to be an actress. Purpose reveals itself early and could expand if more people focused on it, instead of zeroing in on fixing those weaknesses.

I cringe when I hear stories of parents trying to redirect a child’s interests because, (for example) they don’t think music is a lucrative or solid profession. How do you know you don’t have the next Mozart in your midst?

When I wrote for SUCCESS, a national magazine with a lot of content devoted to living your passion, we’d get letters from readers who didn’t know what they were passionate about and they wanted help figuring it out.

We’d tell them what we learned from the experts: Your purpose can be found in your strengths—what you love doing. Here are some questions to help you find your strengths …

What did you love doing as a child?

What topics do you gravitate toward reading for enjoyment?

What activities make you feel strong?

What activity absorbs you to such an extent that you lose track of time?

What would you do even if you didn’t get paid for it?

Marcus Buckingham, author of Go Put Your Strengths to Work and Find Your Strongest Life says, “It is important to discover your strengths because the luckiest people are the ones who get to say to themselves every day: ‘Today I had the opportunity to do what I am most invigorated by and what I do best.’”

People who find their strengths and live their purpose aren’t lucky he says. “They made the effort to figure out what strengthens them.” He suggests catching the moments that invigorate you and concentrating on them. Follow where they lead and ask yourself: “How can I get more of that?”

Discover and focus on your strengths. It’s your path to unleash your potential and purpose–and who you were meant to be.

Open Up Your Eyes

Posted on June 10, 2012 in Fulfillment, Gratitude, Happiness, Relationships by Sandra Bienkowski

Someone complained to me once that there is nothing to do in Dallas. Hmmm … the sprawling, metropolis that is Dallas, without a thing to do? And then it hit me, the quote I learned years before, “Geography changes nothing.”

Wherever you go, your attitude goes with you. You can’t move away from you. Either you look around and see possibilities, or you see dead end roads. Your attitude shapes everything in your life. Negative attitudes keep you stuck or blind you to the opportunities that exist all around you.

Negative attitudes impact …

Happiness. Some people look at their days—or even life—as something to get through rather than embrace. Some neglect thinking about their personal happiness at all, just plodding along. Others are stuck being victims, using their energy to be angry at an external source, rather than using their energy to design a fulfilling life. While it might be easier to be angry at someone than change your life, it’s unproductive. There are all sorts of ways to get happier with a shift of attitude. Living with gratitude is a great place to start. Noticing everything you are thankful for, appreciate and enjoy can help you live with gratitude. Making a list of things that bring you joy (and asking yourself how often you do those things) is another. Or try answering the question: If I was perfectly happy, what would my life look like? Then list the steps that can get you there. Make sure you hold yourself responsible for your own happiness.

Jobs. There are people who hate their jobs, hate Mondays, can’t wait for the weekend, and spend a lot of time complaining about their jobs. But they don’t take any step to change their situation. Now might not be the time to quit a job without one in the wings, but griping fulltime won’t get you anywhere. Life isn’t meant to be endured from 9 to 5. Your actions can change things. Brainstorm a game plan. Look at things a different way. List your unique strengths and abilities and consider how you could create a job, business or entrepreneurial endeavor for yourself. Start with your own contact list to find opportunities. Realize that you alone can completely change your situation with resourcefulness and the right attitude.

Relationships. I could write a year’s worth of blogs about the bumps along my road to meet Mr. Right, but I found him when I stepped away from dating, got clear about what I wanted (even making a list) and got content living alone. Your attitude can’t be one of defeat or lacking. You have to be right with your relationship with yourself before you ever can be right with someone else. Oh, and you have to leave your house. I’ve met people who want to meet Mr. Right but then only live in two places—work and home. Waiting for him to materialize at your doorstep isn’t a good plan.

There’s a common denominator if the same problems or limitations keep showing up in your life … it’s you. Life only stays the same if you do. Everything you want is in front of you, but only if you see it.

If you want things to change, you have to do more than change the land under your feet. You have to get out of your way, open your eyes and take a good hard look at the person in the mirror. And as Deepak Chopra says, “You must become consciously aware that your future is generated by the choices you are making in every moment of your life.”

Get Real

Posted on May 31, 2012 in Fun by Sandra Bienkowski

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.” –Chelsea Handler

My favorite people are blunt. I worked with a sales rep once who told me, “You are pretty, but you’d look so much better if you lost 20 pounds.” Some people might punch the guy for uttering such a sentence. I laughed. He was kind of a spacey guy and I knew he wasn’t trying to be mean. It gave me a little jolt for sure and woke me up a bit.

I love people who put it all out there.

I’m not saying I want people to roll out the criticisms in my direction. I just prefer people who are blunt and speak their minds. It is way easier than dealing with people who are constantly managing their appearance, reciting (and repeating) lines from their resume, or trying to hide imperfections. People who are transparent usually are funny as hell.

Consider these sentences from some of my friends …

I had a boob job.

I broke up with him because he kept calling his mom when he was sick … and I live with him!

I ate a pint of Ben & Jerry’s last night.

Sometimes being a mom sucks.

A little Botox isn’t that bad.

I was a little slutty in college before I settled down.

Did you hear about those moms who bring wine in a thermos to the playground?

Hilarious, right? Real people are refreshing.

When you are real, you are broadcasting to everyone else that it’s okay for them to be real too—scales, skeletons and all. Ironically, by showing flaws or foibles openly, the real deal peeps exude confidence. It’s as if they say, Hello world, here I am good, bad and ugly. Love me anyway!

Real people are self-accepting.

Being real is like exhaling; you can relax. Easy breezy. There’s no pretentious Facebook-like competition to see who has the better life. Or marketing spin designed to impress you.

Real people are likeable.

One of my closest friends is the real deal on caffeine. I never have to guess how she is feeling or thinking. I told her I want her to be my accountability partner because she’s a little mean … like the time at a dance class when she told me to take the scrunchie out of my hair because the 80s are over. Everyone should have a friend who cares enough about them not to sell them a bunch of crap.

Real people are helpful … and sometimes brutally honest.

My psychologist who I credit for helping me overcome depression when I was in my twenties (with talk therapy) was totally blunt. In one of our first sessions he said, “You need to shatter all of your mirrors. Stop using people to reflect how you should feel about yourself, and come up with your own definition of who you are.” Ouch.

Real people save time.

Recently I was whining to a friend about how I have piles of notes, but I haven’t made any significant progress in writing my book. Instead of indulging my excuses, she looked at me and asked, “Is there a reason why you can’t have an outline finished by next week?” After my feeble, “No” she said, “Just write your freaking book.”

I’d take a blunt person any day over someone with a thick layer of fake or pretend perfect. And for the record, the only thing fake about me is my nails. I hope to keep it that way.