Author Archives: Sandra Bienkowski

“There is a safe place to fall. Connect, embrace, love somebody, just one person and then spread that to two, and to as many as you can and you’ll see the difference it makes.” -Oprah

You know that person who sits down next to you on a plane and before you’ve reached a comfortable cruising altitude you’ve heard his/her entire life story … including the sordid details? Okay, that person is weird. Rolling out intimate details to a random stranger is a little awkward and inappropriate—especially if the conversation is only flowing in one direction.

But you know what else is a little strange? People who are surrounded by family and friends and don’t talk at all—about the most important stuff. Maybe I had one too many stiff dinners growing up where the entire conversation was focused on the food we were eating, but I’ve never understood why people are so bottled and buttoned up.

Life could be better if we all talked about what matters.

It takes a tremendous amount of energy to keep your thoughts, secrets, pain, fears and challenges to yourself. It can isolate you. It may give you the false belief that you are the only one who is thinking, feeling or experiencing _______________ (fill in the blank), but it’s not true.

Not to get all Debbie Downer, but when I hear of tragic suicides on the news, someone will invariably say: I just wish __________ would have talked to me. Or, I wish I would have known.

If people talk, even when it’s hard or painful, stories and solutions can be shared. Maybe we can have more connection and community, and less disconnection and depression. We just might discover there is compassion in the world, and we can focus more on being real and less on maintaining appearances.

Talking can unlock a more fulfilling life. Give it a try. Share your internal struggle with your external circle—even if it’s painful.

Or embarrassing.
Or makes you admit to a less than perfect life.
Or you feel flawed and exposed.
Or it hurts.

Just start talking about it and watch how your life changes … for the better.

Before you dismissively say, “No, thanks” or “Not for me,” consider that not talking is a happiness and energy vampire—it will suck both away. Once you begin talking, you will find …

You are not alone.
Solutions exist all around you.
Other people could be carrying your answers.
You can liberate yourself from pain.
You will free up mental space and energy to live a richer life.
You may help others who can relate.
You can process, let go and heal.

Pain thrives in silence. Talking is your escape hatch. Take it.

I have a lot of empathy for birth mothers. I wasn’t angry about being adopted. I didn’t feel abandoned or rejected. I put an “I don’t know” label on my adoption. For me it was always: I don’t know why I am adopted, but someday I will find out.

I was curious.

As a child, my adoption came in handy. On a day when my parents were driving me particularly nuts, I could imagine my birth mom was a fairy princess in a faraway land who could come and find me. I could pretend she was someone famous. In my rebellious teenage angst, I could use my separate genes to disconnect a little bit from my parents when it was convenient.

With it being Mother’s Day, moms of all types are being celebrated. Moms who are no longer with us are being remembered. I want to make sure birth moms are not forgotten.

From my own experience of finding and reuniting with my birth mom, and talking to other birth mothers and adoptees, I have learned many things. I often wish I could speak to birth mothers directly to share those things. Here’s a little bit of what I would say.

Too much time is lost on pain and guilt. I think you are incredibly selfless for enduring a nine month pregnancy knowing your arms would be empty at the end. Don’t lose time simmering in guilt and regret, and transition your mind to the lives you have blessed. You made the ultimate sacrifice and gave the ultimate gift.

You aren’t forgotten. Every adoptee looks in the mirror and sees a part of you, or goes out into the universe and does something you do. You aren’t forgotten; you are multiplied. I spent my first 26 years apart from my birth mom and yet we are profoundly alike. My mom (who raised me) even thought of you. She especially thought of you on my Birthdays. She had tears in her eyes as she wondered if you were okay.

You can talk about it. Silence doesn’t make pain disappear. Silence can’t erase the past or comfort you. The only way to get beyond pain of any type is to go through it. Don’t bury it; talk about it. Once you begin to talk, you will soon discover that you are not alone and you can heal.

Use an “I don’t know” label. If you are hoping the child you put up for adoption searches for you some day, I suggest using an “I don’t know” label if time goes by and you aren’t found. It doesn’t mean the baby you brought into the world doesn’t think of you or wonder about you. Many adoptees don’t search out of fear of appearing disloyal to the parents who raised them. Other adoptees think you don’t want to be found, and are fearful to hear you don’t want to meet them. Some think it’s easier to deal with the unknown than to discover it. Don’t think it’s about you, because it probably isn’t.

There’s enough love to go around. Any parent knows that love for one child doesn’t use up all of the love; there is still plenty of love for other children. Love is always in abundance. It’s the same way for adoptees. We can love our parents who raised us, and we can love you, one doesn’t negate, prevent or interfere with the other.

You have a right. I have met a few birth moms who told me they feel like they don’t have the right to search because they relinquished their rights long ago. If you didn’t have rights, there wouldn’t be national registries where you can sign up to be connected with your (birth) son or daughter. I love registries because they mean both parties want to be found. You don’t have to wait to be found (out of some type of self-punishment), you can reach out too.

Forgive yourself. I know birth moms who carry deep wounds. (In fact, it’s the reason I am writing this blog.) While most of those wounds are caused from the loss of a child, the lifetime heavy burden of self-torment is optional. There is no conspiracy against you. You could have a child out there who wonders about you, wants to know you, or is curious about what kind of person you are. No adoptees I have met wish you ill will; many, like me, aren’t angry or resentful. Tell yourself a different story, one about how you turned a childless couple into a family—because you did.

Happy Mother’s Day.

I don’t do tension. I had enough for a lifetime when it wasn’t my choice. When you are an adult, it’s your choice.

When I first lived on my own, I realized the coolest thing was my ability to control the energy in my space. I pictured a Keep Out sign on tension. It’s so peaceful to know you never have to be subjected to negative energy in your space if that’s what you choose. You set the mood and create the ambiance for your surroundings. You decide who to let into your space.

When you aren’t alone, it isn’t as easy to guard your space from tension. I had a boss who’d come in one day smiling ear to ear, giving out flowers she picked from her garden, and the next day she was wearing a scowl, barking directives and making dramatic exits from the room. Her tension permeated the office and could shift the collective mood in seconds. It’s hard to not let tension suck you in. Along with a coworker/friend, we’d smile, whisper and say, “I’m inside a waterfall,” as mental imagery to remind us that she can’t get to us and to let her negativity wash off of us. Plus, it made us laugh. You can make a choice to not let tension ruin your day.

My decision not to have tension in my life is a work in progress. Progress over perfection is the goal. When you make mistakes, you just learn new ways to eradicate tension from your life.

Choose healthy relationships. Long ago, I created tension when I chose to date a guy who monitored my every move and turned life into a tension-filled walk on eggshells. Unhealthy relationships—of all types—are ripe with tension. Opt for a healthy relationship with lots of communication and tension dissipates.

Live authentically without secrets. I created tension when I kept secrets—like not telling my parents about finding my birth parents because I felt guilty. As the saying goes, “You are only as sick as your secrets.” Living with honesty can significantly reduce tension in your life, even when it’s difficult to be honest.

Maintain healthy boundaries. I drummed up tension when I couldn’t rise above biting attacks from a (short-lived) coworker because my petty desire to fight back won out. Maintaining healthy boundaries minimizes tension. If you stoop to the level of tension, you only help make it bigger. Setting and maintaining boundaries (your personal rules, guidelines and limits)can significantly reduce tension in your life.

Tension is constricting and confining. It’s like a dark cloud. And it’s a real happiness killer. Fortunately, you can significantly reduce your tension with your choices.

I choose to live somewhere cheerful, bustling with people and upbeat.

I choose to protect my environment from tension.

Oprah learned one of her favorite quotes from Stroke of Insight author, Jill Bolte Taylor, “You are responsible for the energy you bring into my space.” And it’s so true. Wouldn’t it be a better place to live if people took responsibility for the energy they bring into a room? But until you can find a way to control other people (kidding!), shouldn’t you at least control your space?

“It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on Earth … and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up … will we then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.” –Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Mom. Cancer. Surgery. Didn’t get it all. Radiation. Cancer spread.

A friend told me about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s popular book, On Death and Dying, and thought it might help me. I couldn’t focus to read the book cover to cover, but I flipped through pages reading a few paragraphs here and there.

My mom was diagnosed with bladder cancer and three months later she was gone. At first we hoped she’d beat it, but after surgery and treatments, the cancer spread. Suddenly doctors said she only had a matter of weeks to live. My dad called me and could barely get the sentence out, “When you fly up to see your mom this time, you will have to say goodbye.”

Everything from that time is frozen in my memory. It’s hard to board a plane knowing you are doing so to say goodbye to a parent. I wanted to be a 4-year old again, crossing my arms and stubbornly refusing to go—as if that would stop my mom from dying.

I arrived in the Pittsburgh airport and at the bottom of the escalator, my sister was waiting for me. It was a painful hug. Normally it was both of my parents smiling at the bottom of that escalator—because it was vacation. It was Thanksgiving. It was Christmas. This time it was cancer. I felt powerless.

My sister drove us in darkness and light snow to the hospital. My mom was in a special hospice wing so we were allowed to see her off regular visiting hours. She opened her eyes briefly and knew I was there, but she couldn’t talk. She was hooked up to oxygen and wasn’t fully conscious, but she squeezed my hand.

The plan was to stay with mom for a little while. The next day she would go home for hospice. Somehow we both knew not to leave the hospital that night. We were still by her bed early the next morning when my dad arrived. We told him she was too weak to be transferred home and we thought it was her last day.

Sentences from the book ran through my mind.

Don’t be afraid to get up close to death.

Tell your loved one it is okay to let go.

Have the strength and the love to sit with a loved one dying in the silence that goes beyond words.

I crawled onto the bed beside my mom and held her. I listened to her heart beat. I held her hand. I cried. I told her I loved her. I said goodbye. I told her it was okay to go. We all did.

With the three of us surrounding her, she passed that afternoon.

Reading those words gave me the gift of a treasured last memory with my mom. If I wasn’t nestled up close to death to tell her it was okay to go, I may have selfishly tried to get her to hang on. I may have kept a comfortable bedside distance trying to be an appropriate hospital visitor. Or maybe out of fear of her dying, I’d pace her room, but not really be present.

Instead, I was holding her as she took her last breath. The doctor came in and said, “I don’t hear a heartbeat.” She looked so breathtakingly serene and beautiful after she passed.

I share this story so fear won’t prevent you from getting up close to the death of a loved one. While it doesn’t make death any less anguishing, it does let you experience loss without regret.

Later that evening, my dad methodically called people to let them know of my mom’s passing. I kept hearing him say, “The girls held her as she passed.”

And I felt like my mom was comforting me.

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” –Flora Whittemore

Have you ever thought about the power that exists in a single decision? One decision can change your life. A single decision changed mine.

I was four months into my search for my birth mother and I was getting frustrated that I hadn’t cracked the code. I was going through my list of town clerks using the process of elimination, but I didn’t know if I was on the right track. From the non-identifying information the adoption agency sent me, I knew my birth grandmother worked as a town clerk the year I was born. I was born in Syracuse, so I made a list of the town clerks in all surrounding counties.

I went home from work that night wondering if I was getting any closer to finding my birth mother. I grabbed the town clerk list, determined to cross off more names. With bits of non-identifying information I formulated my questions and made some phone calls. Soon, a town historian was answering all my questions with a Yes.

Do you know of a Helen Clark who worked as a town clerk?

Yes. Until the town historian finally said, “I think you have found who you are looking for.”

I couldn’t believe it. Time froze and I froze. It was one of those rare moments when I realized that my life would never be the same again. Whatever would unfold next, I couldn’t unring a bell.

And life did change, dramatically. I thought I was fulfilling my curiosity to know who brought me into the world, and why I was placed for adoption. I didn’t know I was wandering into a story with many chapters. My birthparents are married. I have a full brother and sister. I have three half siblings, and lots of extended family. And they all warmly welcomed me.

I often think about what I would have missed if I never made that decision to search. The people I’d never know. The healing I’d never feel … or give. The joyous days I’d never have. The relationships, priceless memories and answers I wouldn’t have now.

It made me realize the power that exists in a single decision. One decision can enrich your life beyond measure.

For me, my decision gave me …

the gift of 11 years with my birthfather.

the peace of mind in knowing my two mothers spoke.

the blissful experience of having both of my families at my wedding.

The list goes on and on.

Live with the awareness that a single decision can change everything. Realize the power in making just one decision. You can unlock blessings. Flood your life with fulfillment. And you can discover the tremendous influence you have over your own life.

Your one decision can be about anything—a relationship, your health, your work, where you live or a goal. What’s the one decision that could positively change the course of your life?

Usually your intuition—that little voice whispering to you—has the answer. What’s it saying?

I used to be shocked when I’d meet people who appeared to have little to no self-awareness, and how they came across to others. I was baffled because the behavior was so insensitive, hurtful, selfish, clueless, or _______________ (fill in the blank!) that I couldn’t comprehend how anyone could knowingly act that way. Until one day I learned of this thing called the observing ego.

The observing ego is your ability to step outside yourself and monitor yourself in real time. It’s like watching yourself on video. You are connected to your words, behavior and actions, and you have a good sense of how you are being perceived. But there’s a catch. Not everyone has an observing ego.

People without an observing ego often act in a way that can leave your mouth gaping open. You are left wondering if that person has any clue.

It’s the guy who touts himself as an expert in human behavior and relationships, but during dinner he doesn’t ask a single question about you, and spends most of the meal checked out on his iPhone.

It’s the person who hijacks all conversation at a dinner party to talk nonstop about himself, oblivious to the fact that’s he’s sucking all the energy out of the room.

Or the person on the phone with you who wouldn’t notice if you put the phone down for 20 minutes because the conversation is really just a monologue.

It’s the people you could write a book about, mail it to them and they wouldn’t know it’s about them.

People without an observing ego operate with little to no empathy, a preoccupation with self, and no awareness. It’s like they are human freight trains with no internal gauges or warning signs to tell them to slow down or stop. And these runaway trains can cause wreckage.

Now I’m not saying I live in a constant state of enlightened awareness. I’ve had my moments of cluelessness. I ruined a great friendship once because I kept talking about the latest drama in my life, instead of being a friend to her. I mistakenly operated from a belief that her life was so together that she really didn’t need anything from me. But as Maya Angelou says: Once you know better, you do better.

We all have momentary lapses in judgment or those times when we wish we could get a do over. People who lack an observing ego never have any of those realizations. They operate with no internal compass as to what’s appropriate, and they just plow forward unaware.

I’m not an expert in psychology, so I might not be able to discern someone who is just plain selfish from someone who truly lacks an observing ego, but I think it’s important to know that people without an observing ego exist. Once you know, you won’t let them cloud your happiness or shower you with their insensitivity and selfishness. You can choose to limit your associations. You won’t personalize their actions or beat your head against a wall hoping they will show up differently. Most importantly, you won’t waste your precious time. People without an observing ego aren’t capable of authentic relationships because they aren’t capable of being authentic with themselves.

If someone shows you repeated patterns of lacking empathy, acting unaware and appearing oblivious to your emotions, that’s your red flag. Unless you are fond of wasting your time, don’t try and fix someone who doesn’t have an observing ego. If they have zero awareness of their own behavior, chances are they are far from being open to changing it.

“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that’s your own self.” – Aldous Huxley

If my self-image had a gauge like a gas tank, the warning light was on and I was almost empty. When I think back to those years, I cringe. I got my opinions from others. I determined my worth by how much the man I was dating was into me. I thought I should only read books with the words “self-help” somewhere on the book jacket cover. I felt incredibly flawed. There were reasons why my tank was near empty—but regardless of that childhood tale—I knew it was my job to fix it.

You can tell a lot about your self-worth by taking a look at your life. When I began therapy, my life was messy. I was fearful to pursue journalism, so I worked as a waitress. I spent money as fast as I made it. My dating vetting process could have used some actual vetting. I was bad at boundaries. I lacked a solid sense of who I am.

Throughout the process of talk therapy, I watched my life improve in each area. I slowly transitioned from empty to whole. As the saying goes, Life works when you do.

Therapy gave me the insights, resources and tools to repair my life. Here are three fundamentals …

Comfort yourself. When this came up in therapy, it sounded so simple, but I didn’t do it. I’d beat myself up, criticize myself, let negative thoughts run wild, and brood about everything. Learning to comfort myself meant being on my own side, showing compassion to myself (even when I make mistakes) and building up my internal support system. When life throws you a punch, you can take it. You offer comfort to yourself just as you would to a relative or friend who is in need.

Set boundaries. Boundaries are a great indicator of self-esteem. Boundaries are your limits for acceptable behavior from those around you. I had to figure out where I begin and end. Boundaries mean no one else can ruin your day because there isn’t a blurred line from that person’s life to yours. Setting boundaries means you determine how you are treated. You make decisions even if it means other people might be upset with you. You don’t set aside your values or how you feel to keep others happy. You live according to your own terms.

Know your worth. Go full tilt. I joke with my husband regularly telling him he’s lucky to be married to someone as fabulous as me. Sometimes I glance in the mirror and say, “Damn, I look good.” Or he will give me a compliment and I will respond with, “I know.” And these days, I’m only half joking. When you successfully fight to construct your self-worth, it becomes a precious jewel. You fiercely protect your investment. You notice the ways you are fabulous. You can laugh at yourself. You readily take compliments when they are given. You find the real joy and resilience that comes from loving yourself. It’s the greatest gift you can give to yourself and to your life.

Once your self-worth is on solid footing, you no longer need validation from others. One day I was in a work meeting where two associates boasted about how rehashing their childhoods isn’t for them; instead, they believe in pushing forward to achieve goals. They laughed and slapped each other on the back like it puts them in a cooler, stronger camp than those who seek therapy. I smiled to myself. It’s the most courageous among us who face our pasts so we can be whole and strong going forward.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” —Winston Churchill

Back in my twenties, I had a boyfriend who was controlling. He hid it well at first, charming me with his confidence, his bartender status and sous chef talents. The crazy came rolling out after I was completely smitten. At first it was just, “Where were you?” and “Who’s that calling you?” Soon, he was trying to tell me who I could be friends with and what I could wear. I knew I should leave him. I pictured his control escalating and my future involving one of those seedy live cop shows—with me crying as the police dragged my boyfriend off to jail. It didn’t match who I am. That’s when my psychologist told me there’s a difference between feeling better and truly getting better.

So, I broke up with my boyfriend. And that decision would have counted as getting better if I made it stick. Instead, I kept caving in and going back to him to feel better. Feeling better is temporary. It’s the quick fix to get rid of uncomfortable emotions. Getting better can be permanent. It’s dealing with pain or discomfort to improve your life. I got it. This bad boy boyfriend (who I naively thought I could fix) was like my drug. Leaving him hurt me, and I wanted to stop hurting, so I disregarded what staying meant for my future.

It is human nature to want to feel better and not push ourselves in the direction of pain, hardship, sacrifice or discomfort. It’s natural to avoid pain that lasts for quick decisions that can make us feel better right now. So we eat too much, drink too much or work too much to distract ourselves from pain, bury emotions and feel better.

But then we don’t grow.

When we refrain from making decisions, deny reality or avoid responsibility to feel better, life doesn’t get better. (Feeling better doesn’t last.) Getting better always involves doing something you don’t want to do, and it always results in life dramatically improving. To get there, we have to choose short-term discomfort for long-term benefits. We have to work against our desire for instant gratification to achieve permanent life improvement. And it takes courage.

We live in a world of feel better. Depressed? Can’t sleep? Have anxiety? Take a drug. Disregard your health for most of your life? They make drugs for that too. But quick fixes are just Band-Aids, covering up the problem. They might provide temporary relief, but they don’t solve underlying problems. Lasting change doesn’t happen until we choose to do the hard work and are willing to endure pain to get better.

My psychologist finally awakened me to the danger of staying with someone who was increasingly controlling. I left him for good. Even though I could intellectualize why it was the right decision, it was still painful and uncomfortable to walk away. I envisioned how I wanted my future to look to get through it. Getting better permanently, finally won out over feeling better temporarily.

Whenever you choose feeling better over getting better, your life will stay stuck. What are you doing in your life to feel better? Ask yourself: Is it worth sacrificing my future?

“Why not become conscious and make choices to create your life like an artist?” –Gary Zukav

My husband does this great impression of me. He waves his arms and hands wildly in the air and sings “La Dee Dah” over and over. He enjoys mocking my carefree attitude, and it always makes me laugh. See, I don’t always dot my i’s and cross all of my t’s. I rarely feel the need to clean incessantly or make sure my checkbook is balanced to the penny. My husband? He’s the walking, breathing definition of detailed. (Just try telling him a story and I guarantee he will ask you questions you don’t know the answers to!) Anyway, it works. I jokingly tell people that he makes sure our bills are paid on time, and I make sure we have fun.

All joking aside, we actually take our fun seriously. It’s sad that it seems easier to find people who view their days with drudgery than it is to find people who craft their joy. I often see people trying to get through life, instead of making it a masterpiece of fun and fulfillment. Like most good things, sometimes fun takes a little work. Here are a few tips to add more fun into your days.

Plan it. As much as you might like the universe to constantly produce fun in your life, it just doesn’t happen that way. Don’t wait for vacation or that mysterious day in your future when you plan to have more time. Take control and put fun on your calendar. My husband and I sign up to run 5ks months in advance, buy tickets for musical performances, make a list of restaurants we want to try, sketch out possible trips for the year, and plan out our weekends at least a week in advance. Make sure you can easily list what fun means to you, and then schedule it.

Refrain from putting life on hold for the weekend. I dislike the whole wait for the weekend philosophy. You are going to dread five days of the week so you can look forward to two? Make each day as fulfilling as possible—even Monday. If there’s something on your daily calendar you dread, add something you love. Dentist appointment … meet pedicure appointment. Grumpy boss? Schedule lunch with a positive friend. Work overload? Plan something you can look forward to and use it as a reward. When I have to do something I dread, I tell myself: “Okay, pull up your big girl boots.” I crack myself up, and then I get on with it.

Make sure it isn’t your head you dread. You can’t go anywhere and leave your head behind, so make sure it’s a friendly place to reside. Too often people are kinder to best friends than they are to themselves inside their own heads. Your thoughts are powerful. You become what you think about, so choose your thoughts wisely. If you want to change your mood, your outlook and your capacity for fun (your life!)—change your thoughts.

Take more risks. My husband and I took an entrepreneurial leap so we could move to an area that would support our love for outdoor adventures. Moving to an area we love and having jobs where we control our schedules has resulted in immeasurable happiness. Loving where you live is a big boost to the fun factor, but more importantly we realized that taking the risk led to the rewards.

Make happy decisions. You make tons of little decisions all day long. With a little bit of creative thinking, you can make those decisions more fun. Take a favorite book with you for your lunch break, get up early to watch the sunrise, cook a new meal, listen to meditative music before you fall asleep, call a friend spontaneously, go to a favorite coffee shop or do something spontaneous mid-week with your family. Vary your routine. Tap into your creative side and get more fun on your daily canvas.

Don’t be so serious. There’s a Someecard (www.someecards.com) that reads: “If you are having a bad day at work, remember you are going to die.” I laugh hysterically every time I read it because 1. It’s true. And 2. It jolts things into perspective. While death isn’t exactly a cheery topic, you don’t have to be morose about it. Use it as a good kick in the butt reminder to have some fun.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking successful people don’t have time for fun. Most people aren’t successful unless they are having fun in what they are doing. So, live your days with full awareness that this journey does come to an end … and have some freaking fun.

I think the worst kind of silence you can have is with yourself. You disconnect a little from what you are feeling. You live on the surface mentally. Days fly by with your regular routine and you never stop to ask yourself if you are content. It can even seem like a safe and comfortable way to live.

It’s actually the riskiest. Precious time is lost plodding along. You may start selling yourself on the notion that life is supposed to be endured. Or you start believing life can’t be any different. Worse, you can end up with a whole pile of regret.

Back in high school, I used to tell six friends the same story (separately) to get their feedback on what I should do or think. Granted, my decisions weren’t life-altering back then, but sadly, I didn’t trust my own opinion. I didn’t listen to my gut. It took me years to learn I had all the answers if I just listened and trusted those whispers of my intuition.

Your inner voice talks to you all the time, you just have to practice hearing it. You may have to slow down to hear it if you are drowning it out by keeping yourself insanely busy. Or you have to put yourself first and stop using the needs of others as a tactic to avoid taking a hard look at your own life. Maybe you have to stop selling yourself on a lot of untruths.

I write in a journal to connect to what I am truly thinking and feeling. The writing process is a powerful tool of self-reflection, revealing emotions and providing clarity. You don’t have to be a writer to do it. Ditch any preconceived notions of diaries being childish, grab a notebook and let your thoughts flow. The process evokes your inner voice to sort through problems and find solutions with clarity. It’s a calming process that allows you to exhale into who you really are.

While I’ve never lost my gift for gab or analysis, now I direct my life from my own instincts. I am more grounded, focused and constantly in tune with how I can make my life better.

Your inner voice is on your side. It’s the truest you. It’s not the part of you that broods or critiques, it’s the part of you that’s wise. It also doesn’t lie to you. Just give your inner wisdom a voice by playing journalist. Ask yourself questions.

What do I really think?
How do I really feel about __________?
What in my life isn’t congruent with who I am?
What needs to change so I love my life?
What decision do I need to make even if it’s difficult?
Is there something I avoid thinking about that I need to solve?
What do I really want?
If I had a magic wand, how would I change my life?

The reason why many people go on automatic pilot and disconnect from their inner voice is because it’s easier to stick with the status quo than it is to change. But the cost is higher. If you ignore those whispers of discontent, life never gets better, and it often gets worse.

If you bravely answer tough questions, you may have to make difficult decisions and endure the discomfort of change. Yet once you do, life is so much sweeter on the other side. Life always improves as you make decisions to align it with your most authentic self.

When you commit to the brutal truth and listen to your inner voice, you become empowered. You realize you are strong enough to hear it. You see the value in seeking your own counsel and it builds confidence. You quickly realize there’s a direct line from the decisions you make to your life improving. You feel more alive than ever before.

If you let yourself talk—really talk—what would you say?

Sometimes getting the answers on how to direct your life can be as easy as telling yourself that you already have the answers. The hard part is listening.