Category Archives: Happiness

I interviewed Wayne Dyer a few years ago and he said something that stuck with me. “Worry is the most useless of emotions.” I jotted it down in my notebook and made a mental note to think about it later. Worry? Useless? So we should aspire to get rid of worry?

Worry was one of those things I just thought we do as humans, kind of like breathing. We worry about the majors—when the life of anyone we love is at stake, but there are 1,000 minor ways we all drum up worry too. What if I get sick on vacation? Do I have enough time to meet my deadline? What if I eat this bowl of ice cream and gain weight? What if my Facebook post isn’t as funny as I think it is and I am defriended in droves? You know … regular every day worry!

Then I realized Dr. Dyer was right. Worry is useless. It only makes you feel negative emotions—fear, anxiety, brooding, panic or stress. Worry never gets you to a better place. Worry doesn’t change outcomes.

I think many of us may mistakenly believe worry is a prayer in reverse. If we brood and worry and put ourselves in a negative space, maybe those bad outcomes won’t happen. The reality is, whether we worry or not, the outcome will be the same. Worry only lengthens the time we spend simmering in negative soup.

So, I made up my mind. I’d start worrying less. Fast forward to today, and I think everyone should put Worry Less on their To Do lists because there are so many benefits.

Worry takes over your mind. I heard once that worrisome thoughts produce faster than rabbits. You get a headache and you think it is brain cancer. Bored one day you read the little packet of info that comes with your box of tampons, and immediately you think you have toxic shock syndrome. Worry can multiply in your mind. But you can stop it. Just say, “That’s ridiculous” and move your mind along to a positive place.

Worry can make little things seem big. Take this very moment as an example. As I write this, I’m stuck in the Boston airport with a flight delay that will make me miss my connection home. I made a decision not to worry about it. I can’t change it. I can, however, decide not to let it impact me negatively. I say, “Oh well” and I tell my brain something positive like: Now you have more time to write your blog. It’s so much more relaxing than having an emotional reaction to something I have zero control over.

Worry keeps you stuck. You can worry that you won’t meet Mr. Right, like I used to, but that can keep you with Mr. Wrong too long. You can worry about making the wrong decision and that can prevent you from making any decisions at all. Worry can keep you stuck, but it won’t keep you safe.

Worry doesn’t change anything. Do you ever notice that when you worry about certain things or situations, you later realize the worrying part was worse than the actual thing you were worried about? It’s easy to let worry spiral until it gets you into a state of angst. That’s why it’s important to remember it’s a useless emotion. It doesn’t improve your life.

Worry gets you tangled up in what people think of you. I used to be afflicted with the disease to please. I came out of my childhood naively thinking I could have a life where everyone would like me. Soon I cared more about what other people thought of me than my own opinion of myself. It was like I was an empty bucket and I kept approaching everyone for a cup of water. When I stopped worrying about what other people thought of me, I became more likeable … to others and to me. It’s also empowering because you no longer need anyone’s approval. How liberating is that? Worrying about what other people think is living an imprisoned life. Decide your opinion about your life is the only one that matters.

Reducing worry in your life is a work in process. I keep my own version of the serenity prayer in my head to tackle worry. First, I ask myself if I can do anything about it. If I can do something, then I take action. Action always helps mitigate worry. If I can’t do anything about a potential source of worry, I accept it and let go.

Ironically, it’s calming to let go of outcomes you can’t do anything about. Using your energy to try and control things you can’t control is exhausting—and futile. Plus, you free up your energy to focus on all of those things you can control.

Don’t make the mistake of believing your worrying state is helping you direct your life. It isn’t. If you make a resolution to give up on worry you will actually have more control of your life than you have ever had before. No longer will you be devoting your mental space to negative emotions and energy of what might happen. Instead, you will be busy making your life happen.

There are so many better places to let your mind live than in the land of worry. As author Dan Zadra says, “Worry is a misuse of imagination.”

“Will you make the choices to enhance your spirit or those that drain your power?” –Caroline Myss

I was never cut out to be a perfectionist. I leave rejected outfits on my closet floor in my frustration to figure out what to wear. I make a mess when I cook. I trip over my own feet more than the average person. l put my Starbucks coffee on the roof of my car and I almost drive off. My husband wonders how I sometimes get laundry detergent on the wall when I am washing our clothes. I catch him smiling and shaking his head at me. He’s one of those perfectionist types, detailed, patient and precise.

Back in my early twenties when my self-image was in the dumpster, I’d use my clumsy or air-headed moments as proof that I should feel like crap about myself. Look at that dumb thing you just said or the clumsy thing you just did, I’d think. You just looked like a fool, I’d tell myself. I thought only perfect people deserve love. I was on a search and destroy mission of me. I looked for proof that I wasn’t cool or perfectly together, and I used the evidence to chip away even more at my self-esteem.

Talk therapy helped me stop the assault on myself. I learned that people are supposed to have flaws and bad parts. We all look silly or foolish sometimes. We make mistakes or have moments where we say or do the wrong thing. Chalk it up to the being human thing. I realized my worth isn’t defined by how perfect I appear to other people. I discovered striving for perfection is a pointless pursuit because no one ever arrives.

Turns out, I am totally loveable flawed. It wasn’t an overnight epiphany, but a slow evolution into loving who I am, just the way I am. But once I got to total self-acceptance, life had a sense of freedom it never had before.

I let go of what people think of me.

I used to hand the power of my life over to other people. If someone said something positive to me, I felt positive. Negative? I felt negative. If I was criticized, I viewed it as a verdict instead of an opinion. If I was dating someone who didn’t want to date me anymore (even if I didn’t want to date him either) I viewed the rejection as a declaration of my unworthiness. If I ever had a conflict with a friend or if someone acted weird to me, I’d wonder what I did.

Slowly, I stopped giving other people the power to determine how I should feel about me. I started setting boundaries left and right. If I felt mistreated by someone, I ended the friendship or the relationship. I started being authentic with my feelings, instead of trying to appease everyone in some misguided attempt to get the whole world to like me. I got my answers internally and I started to feel increasingly empowered.

No longer can anyone else control my mood, determine my value, or impact my outlook. I don’t look to other people for their approval. I must confess that I still love compliments and accolades, but I don’t need them anymore to feel a sense of worth. If someone treats me in a way that isn’t positive now, I immediately wonder what their issue is, and I often assume it has nothing to do with me. As the saying goes, “What you think of me is none of my business.”

I stop letting my blunders define me.

Today I completely embrace my little mishaps or mistakes. I laugh when I trip. I crack myself up when I walk into a room and forget why I am there. I’m okay with my temporary messiness. I don’t even work on correcting my little idiosyncrasies that make me imperfect, because it’s who I am. And it’s so dang liberating.

Don’t get me wrong, I still work on me. I work on getting fit. I work on becoming a better writer. I read personal development books all the time. I work on being a better person. I just don’t think I need to work on being perfect. People can love you (madly!) flawed.

Sharing our imperfections connects us to each other on a real level. We can cut through the superficial crap, drop the pretense and be real. Perfect is an illusion. If someone makes you think you need to be perfect to be loved, you don’t need that person. When you let go of the pursuit of perfection, you can turn your mind from a place that torments you—to the best place in the world to live.

Someone complained to me once that there is nothing to do in Dallas. Hmmm … the sprawling, metropolis that is Dallas, without a thing to do? And then it hit me, the quote I learned years before, “Geography changes nothing.”

Wherever you go, your attitude goes with you. You can’t move away from you. Either you look around and see possibilities, or you see dead end roads. Your attitude shapes everything in your life. Negative attitudes keep you stuck or blind you to the opportunities that exist all around you.

Negative attitudes impact …

Happiness. Some people look at their days—or even life—as something to get through rather than embrace. Some neglect thinking about their personal happiness at all, just plodding along. Others are stuck being victims, using their energy to be angry at an external source, rather than using their energy to design a fulfilling life. While it might be easier to be angry at someone than change your life, it’s unproductive. There are all sorts of ways to get happier with a shift of attitude. Living with gratitude is a great place to start. Noticing everything you are thankful for, appreciate and enjoy can help you live with gratitude. Making a list of things that bring you joy (and asking yourself how often you do those things) is another. Or try answering the question: If I was perfectly happy, what would my life look like? Then list the steps that can get you there. Make sure you hold yourself responsible for your own happiness.

Jobs. There are people who hate their jobs, hate Mondays, can’t wait for the weekend, and spend a lot of time complaining about their jobs. But they don’t take any step to change their situation. Now might not be the time to quit a job without one in the wings, but griping fulltime won’t get you anywhere. Life isn’t meant to be endured from 9 to 5. Your actions can change things. Brainstorm a game plan. Look at things a different way. List your unique strengths and abilities and consider how you could create a job, business or entrepreneurial endeavor for yourself. Start with your own contact list to find opportunities. Realize that you alone can completely change your situation with resourcefulness and the right attitude.

Relationships. I could write a year’s worth of blogs about the bumps along my road to meet Mr. Right, but I found him when I stepped away from dating, got clear about what I wanted (even making a list) and got content living alone. Your attitude can’t be one of defeat or lacking. You have to be right with your relationship with yourself before you ever can be right with someone else. Oh, and you have to leave your house. I’ve met people who want to meet Mr. Right but then only live in two places—work and home. Waiting for him to materialize at your doorstep isn’t a good plan.

There’s a common denominator if the same problems or limitations keep showing up in your life … it’s you. Life only stays the same if you do. Everything you want is in front of you, but only if you see it.

If you want things to change, you have to do more than change the land under your feet. You have to get out of your way, open your eyes and take a good hard look at the person in the mirror. And as Deepak Chopra says, “You must become consciously aware that your future is generated by the choices you are making in every moment of your life.”

I don’t do tension. I had enough for a lifetime when it wasn’t my choice. When you are an adult, it’s your choice.

When I first lived on my own, I realized the coolest thing was my ability to control the energy in my space. I pictured a Keep Out sign on tension. It’s so peaceful to know you never have to be subjected to negative energy in your space if that’s what you choose. You set the mood and create the ambiance for your surroundings. You decide who to let into your space.

When you aren’t alone, it isn’t as easy to guard your space from tension. I had a boss who’d come in one day smiling ear to ear, giving out flowers she picked from her garden, and the next day she was wearing a scowl, barking directives and making dramatic exits from the room. Her tension permeated the office and could shift the collective mood in seconds. It’s hard to not let tension suck you in. Along with a coworker/friend, we’d smile, whisper and say, “I’m inside a waterfall,” as mental imagery to remind us that she can’t get to us and to let her negativity wash off of us. Plus, it made us laugh. You can make a choice to not let tension ruin your day.

My decision not to have tension in my life is a work in progress. Progress over perfection is the goal. When you make mistakes, you just learn new ways to eradicate tension from your life.

Choose healthy relationships. Long ago, I created tension when I chose to date a guy who monitored my every move and turned life into a tension-filled walk on eggshells. Unhealthy relationships—of all types—are ripe with tension. Opt for a healthy relationship with lots of communication and tension dissipates.

Live authentically without secrets. I created tension when I kept secrets—like not telling my parents about finding my birth parents because I felt guilty. As the saying goes, “You are only as sick as your secrets.” Living with honesty can significantly reduce tension in your life, even when it’s difficult to be honest.

Maintain healthy boundaries. I drummed up tension when I couldn’t rise above biting attacks from a (short-lived) coworker because my petty desire to fight back won out. Maintaining healthy boundaries minimizes tension. If you stoop to the level of tension, you only help make it bigger. Setting and maintaining boundaries (your personal rules, guidelines and limits)can significantly reduce tension in your life.

Tension is constricting and confining. It’s like a dark cloud. And it’s a real happiness killer. Fortunately, you can significantly reduce your tension with your choices.

I choose to live somewhere cheerful, bustling with people and upbeat.

I choose to protect my environment from tension.

Oprah learned one of her favorite quotes from Stroke of Insight author, Jill Bolte Taylor, “You are responsible for the energy you bring into my space.” And it’s so true. Wouldn’t it be a better place to live if people took responsibility for the energy they bring into a room? But until you can find a way to control other people (kidding!), shouldn’t you at least control your space?

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” –Flora Whittemore

Have you ever thought about the power that exists in a single decision? One decision can change your life. A single decision changed mine.

I was four months into my search for my birth mother and I was getting frustrated that I hadn’t cracked the code. I was going through my list of town clerks using the process of elimination, but I didn’t know if I was on the right track. From the non-identifying information the adoption agency sent me, I knew my birth grandmother worked as a town clerk the year I was born. I was born in Syracuse, so I made a list of the town clerks in all surrounding counties.

I went home from work that night wondering if I was getting any closer to finding my birth mother. I grabbed the town clerk list, determined to cross off more names. With bits of non-identifying information I formulated my questions and made some phone calls. Soon, a town historian was answering all my questions with a Yes.

Do you know of a Helen Clark who worked as a town clerk?

Yes. Until the town historian finally said, “I think you have found who you are looking for.”

I couldn’t believe it. Time froze and I froze. It was one of those rare moments when I realized that my life would never be the same again. Whatever would unfold next, I couldn’t unring a bell.

And life did change, dramatically. I thought I was fulfilling my curiosity to know who brought me into the world, and why I was placed for adoption. I didn’t know I was wandering into a story with many chapters. My birthparents are married. I have a full brother and sister. I have three half siblings, and lots of extended family. And they all warmly welcomed me.

I often think about what I would have missed if I never made that decision to search. The people I’d never know. The healing I’d never feel … or give. The joyous days I’d never have. The relationships, priceless memories and answers I wouldn’t have now.

It made me realize the power that exists in a single decision. One decision can enrich your life beyond measure.

For me, my decision gave me …

the gift of 11 years with my birthfather.

the peace of mind in knowing my two mothers spoke.

the blissful experience of having both of my families at my wedding.

The list goes on and on.

Live with the awareness that a single decision can change everything. Realize the power in making just one decision. You can unlock blessings. Flood your life with fulfillment. And you can discover the tremendous influence you have over your own life.

Your one decision can be about anything—a relationship, your health, your work, where you live or a goal. What’s the one decision that could positively change the course of your life?

Usually your intuition—that little voice whispering to you—has the answer. What’s it saying?

I think the worst kind of silence you can have is with yourself. You disconnect a little from what you are feeling. You live on the surface mentally. Days fly by with your regular routine and you never stop to ask yourself if you are content. It can even seem like a safe and comfortable way to live.

It’s actually the riskiest. Precious time is lost plodding along. You may start selling yourself on the notion that life is supposed to be endured. Or you start believing life can’t be any different. Worse, you can end up with a whole pile of regret.

Back in high school, I used to tell six friends the same story (separately) to get their feedback on what I should do or think. Granted, my decisions weren’t life-altering back then, but sadly, I didn’t trust my own opinion. I didn’t listen to my gut. It took me years to learn I had all the answers if I just listened and trusted those whispers of my intuition.

Your inner voice talks to you all the time, you just have to practice hearing it. You may have to slow down to hear it if you are drowning it out by keeping yourself insanely busy. Or you have to put yourself first and stop using the needs of others as a tactic to avoid taking a hard look at your own life. Maybe you have to stop selling yourself on a lot of untruths.

I write in a journal to connect to what I am truly thinking and feeling. The writing process is a powerful tool of self-reflection, revealing emotions and providing clarity. You don’t have to be a writer to do it. Ditch any preconceived notions of diaries being childish, grab a notebook and let your thoughts flow. The process evokes your inner voice to sort through problems and find solutions with clarity. It’s a calming process that allows you to exhale into who you really are.

While I’ve never lost my gift for gab or analysis, now I direct my life from my own instincts. I am more grounded, focused and constantly in tune with how I can make my life better.

Your inner voice is on your side. It’s the truest you. It’s not the part of you that broods or critiques, it’s the part of you that’s wise. It also doesn’t lie to you. Just give your inner wisdom a voice by playing journalist. Ask yourself questions.

What do I really think?
How do I really feel about __________?
What in my life isn’t congruent with who I am?
What needs to change so I love my life?
What decision do I need to make even if it’s difficult?
Is there something I avoid thinking about that I need to solve?
What do I really want?
If I had a magic wand, how would I change my life?

The reason why many people go on automatic pilot and disconnect from their inner voice is because it’s easier to stick with the status quo than it is to change. But the cost is higher. If you ignore those whispers of discontent, life never gets better, and it often gets worse.

If you bravely answer tough questions, you may have to make difficult decisions and endure the discomfort of change. Yet once you do, life is so much sweeter on the other side. Life always improves as you make decisions to align it with your most authentic self.

When you commit to the brutal truth and listen to your inner voice, you become empowered. You realize you are strong enough to hear it. You see the value in seeking your own counsel and it builds confidence. You quickly realize there’s a direct line from the decisions you make to your life improving. You feel more alive than ever before.

If you let yourself talk—really talk—what would you say?

Sometimes getting the answers on how to direct your life can be as easy as telling yourself that you already have the answers. The hard part is listening.

choosing happiness, finding happiness

Before the days of working for myself, I was a few cubicles down from a guy who was chronically grumpy. Unlike some curmudgeons, he carried it off with half a smile on his face. It was his shtick. He was snarky and always complaining about something, yet it was part of his charm. One of the things he complained about was my incessant cheeriness. He couldn’t believe anyone could actually be THAT happy. Little did he know, I took great pride in his jab because I knew how far I had to travel to arrive at clinically happy. (He probably thought my smile was just a façade for a dark and brooding personality.)

I have to confess that some people act like my happiness is accidental, like it has nothing to do with my own actions and choices. Or in stealing Lady Gaga’s lyrics, “I was born this way.” I’ve even heard, “You always have so much fun; I want to vicariously live through you.” Frankly, those observations annoy me. It’s kind of like telling someone who has practiced 1,000 hours at something that they have natural talent. Happiness sometimes is the result of hard work.

I first struggled with depression as a teenager. I remember going up to my parents in the kitchen and telling them I needed a psychologist. They found me one, but he wasn’t the best. He helped a bit, but it wasn’t life changing. I tried again with a psychologist in my mid-twenties, and struck gold. He was the perfect psychologist for me because he was blunt, funny and I finally felt understood. Here’s just a slice of the process that got me closer to happiness.

Every decision you make shapes how you feel about yourself. You have the ability each day to make hundreds of little decisions that make you feel good about yourself. He used a ridiculous example. Apparently he asked for extra sauce all the time at the Wendy’s drive-through so eventually he gave the cashier extra money as a way to pay for the extra sauces he requested. The cashier looked at him like he was crazy, but he did it because it made him feel good about himself. I got it! Tiny decisions and life-changing decisions all shape your self-image. Each day you can consciously make decisions that lift you up or take you down—but it’s always your choice.

Piss off three people a day and you will be cured. This advice only applies to you if you are silent when people are really ticking you off. (If you already piss people off on a regular basis, go on your merry way.) If you are fearful to make people angry at you by expressing how you really feel, piss off three people a day and call me in the morning. It’s called expressing your boundaries, teaching people how to treat you, and being authentic—and it’s healthy. Plus, depression is often anger masked, and if you can unmask your anger (in a healthy, non-CSI way) goodbye depression. As depression travels to your rearview mirror, you begin to feel gratitude and see happiness ahead.

You are stronger than you think. When I was younger, I thought it would be much easier to be rescued than rescue myself, but my psychologist wasn’t buying. He kept saying, “You are stronger than you think.” Sometimes it was, “You are stronger than you think, lady.” Eventually, I realized he was right. I think lots of people are stronger than they think.

It wasn’t like I woke up one day clinically happy. I knew I had to work through some major stuff to get there. I put myself through mental boot camp. For others, happiness might be a simple choice. Either way, the most important thing to realize is happiness is a decision. I don’t mean that to read like some cheesy car bumper sticker. You can tell happiness is a decision when you meet people who choose to be victims, choose to be complainers, choose to be bitter, choose to blame others or choose not to change their lives. Happiness is in your reach if you choose it. It’s up to you.

Oh … one last thing. My psychologist asked me one day, “How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?” I said, “I don’t know.” He said, “Zero. They wait until the light bulb changes itself.”

find joy, fun, Happiness

Are you happy? Do you have fun? If you answered “no” to either question, I’d like to help you ditch the drudgery and find joy. I am passionate about helping other people live happier, more fulfilling lives. I know what it’s like to be in the depths of depression (a story for another blog), but I dug my way out. Now I hope to inspire others with what I know.

I want my blog, Journey to Joy, to offer straight talk, real solutions that work, and the truth. First, a bit about my journey …

Several years ago, the quote, “the road to success is always under construction” certainly applied to me. Everything was going wrong. (Not the depression I spoke of earlier, just a bad patch) It was almost comical; at least that’s how I like to think of it now. My car went from reliable to lemon. I couldn’t get my car to shut off. Seriously. I felt like I was stuck in some sort of horror movie where my car was out to get me. Costly repairs made my paycheck disappear in a not-so-magical way. I also realized (after way too much time) that I was dating another narcissist. Maybe not by clinical definition, but let’s just say I should have bought these men mirrors instead of dating them … but I digress.

My friends were getting laid off in droves at the publishing company where I worked. While my job was safe, it was like going to work at a ghost town. It was no longer a fun, fulfilling place of employment. Feeling overwhelmed, I quickly turned into one of those people so consumed with my own problems, I became a crappy, self-absorbed friend. I lost some friendships in the process. I was in my 30s and life wasn’t turning out like I planned.

I pulled out my journal because writing always centers me. I wrote out a vision of how I wanted my life to look. And then I wrote out the depressing part—how my life currently looked. I asked myself: What steps do you need to take to turn your life into your ideal vision instead of its current mess? The action steps included things like: dump the lemon car and boyfriend, find a new job I love, and be a better friend. I was amazed at how quickly my life turned around. I landed a job at SUCCESS, a national magazine, writing about how people can improve their lives. (Fitting, right?) I took a time out from dating. I stopped talking about my own problems long enough to be a good friend again.

When you get clear on your problems and clear on where you are going, you can improve your life—fast.

If you don’t like where your life is today, write out a plan for your ideal life. What’s your ideal vision for your life? Write it down. Now write a description of how your life currently looks and compare it to your ideal vision. Don’t forget the most important part—the action steps that will lead you to your ideal life. List them for every change you need to make.

A quote from Katori Hall, a playwright featured in O magazine sums up this blog best. “It was like God was holding a bag of blessings and I was holding a bag of shit, and when I let go of my bag, God was like, ‘here you go.’”

So let go of the crap and let your blessings begin.