Author Archives: Sandra Bienkowski

resilience, self-compassion, tips to fight depression

I was in a weekly session of talk therapy when my psychologist said, “You didn’t learn about self-compassion in your childhood.” Tears welled up in my eyes. Just hearing that sentence soothed me. My head was like a boxing match — me against me. And he understood. I was in my mid-20s at the time, and my mind was a hostile place of self-criticism, brooding, and self-loathing. Unfortunately, my inner critic accompanied me everywhere.

I had this incredible talent of quickly identifying the best traits in others, while knocking myself down with the worst traits in me. My parents were extremely critical and now they were in my head. “You aren’t even close to kind to yourself,” my psychologist said. He helped me realize my ability to comfort myself didn’t even exist.

It was a pivotal moment for me in therapy. Of course life felt hard. I was beating myself up all the time! Why did I easily have compassion and kindness for others (including my own pets) and have none for me?

Living without self-compassion is like driving a car you never take in for regular maintenance. Eventually your car won’t work right and it breaks down. Self-compassion is an emotional tool that builds resilience and mental toughness. With practice, self-compassion can build up your inner strength and ward off depression and anxiety.

Here are five ways self-compassion can turn a painful life into a happy one.

1. Your head shifts from foe to friend. Compassion is kindness. When things don’t go right, you coach yourself back up again. You are gentle with yourself. Don’t replay events endlessly in your head to make yourself feel crappy. You talk to yourself in kind ways and say things like, “I did the best I could in the moment with the knowledge I had at the time.” Give yourself support and encouraging words. Drop the negative voice who scrutinizes your every move, and be a friend to yourself. Most of us operate better when someone believes in us. Let that someone be you.

Read the rest of my article on Huffington Post.

2016 best happiness books, books, happiness books

These titles will make you reflect, say yes and choose joy in the year ahead.

depression, personal growth, resilience

Try my emotional toolkit for life’s ups and downs.

When I was in my 20s, I just wanted to stay in bed and cry. I had a journalism degree but worked as an administrative assistant and a waitress. A rough childhood with an alcoholic mother made me think I couldn’t do any better. I had an apartment that I shared with a friend, but depression left me feeling lost and hopeless. Desperately wanting to feel differently, I made an appointment with a psychologist.

My psychologist was funny and blunt. After a long psychological assessment, he described me back to me: “Chronic depression; fear of abandonment; angry but you have a difficult time expressing it; people pleaser.” That hurt, but it also hit home.

Talk therapy helped me because I finally felt heard and understood what was happening inside my head. I’d drive home from those appointments and write down everything I could remember. I wanted to study my way out of depression’s dark grip. Slowly, I started to feel strong. My solution wasn’t a quick fix, but I came away from therapy with an emotional toolkit that has stood the test of time. Here are some of the things I’ve learned:

1. Practice self-compassion

Would you treat a friend the way you treat yourself? When I was depressed, I condemned myself for normal human flaws. Start treating yourself in the same compassionate way you would treat a child or close friend. Give yourself a soft place to land when things don’t go right or something doesn’t work out.

Read the rest of 7 Steps Back From Depression on Live Happy.

depression, fulfillment, resilience, tips to fight depression

I was in my early twenties, and I knew something was wrong with me. I was too uncomfortable with myself to even enjoy just one night alone. I worried something might happen that I couldn’t handle. So I spent a lot of time losing myself in T.V., food or dating bad men. I was afraid to be quiet with my own thoughts, and had about zero ability to comfort myself.

The healthiest thought I had was knowing that I needed help. Tired of feeling deeply alone, I found a psychologist who fired a gazillion questions at me in hour one on the first session.

He didn’t accept patients unless he knew he could help them. He was blunt and kind of a smart ass. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was my day one of digging my way out of the crushing hole that is depression.

I answered a gazillion more written questions in a standardized psychological assessment about my tumultuous childhood and about me. Around session three, he described me back to me: chronic depression, fear of abandonment, angry but afraid to show it, and lack of boundaries in relationships (people pleaser).

With talk therapy one hour a week for several years, my depression became a thing of the past. My solution wasn’t a quick fix, but it has been lasting.

Call me a student of depression. I’d drive home from those sessions, type up things he said while still fresh in my mind, and place my notes in a three-ring binder. I slowly got healthier, and life got better. I hope what I learned can help you too.

Here are five lasting changes in how you think and behave that will help you heal from depression.

Read the rest of this article on MindBodyGreen!

Content ideas

It’s almost Christmas Eve! I love the holidays. People are brighter and homes get twinkly lights. There’s more of a focus on what matters most, the people we love. Christmastime has a magical way of making us all feel a little more connected, and I love that!

In the spirit of this joyful season, I want to say Thank You to YOU, my community, and extend some love your way with this free gift! If you have a blog, a book, or just something you want to say, my gift can help you find compelling ways to reach your audience online. I love to help my clients grow their businesses and brands by creating content, so I put together a list of …

101 Content Ideas!

ENJOY!

Merry (almost) Christmas!

Sandra

“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ”  ― Norman Vincent Peale

happiness tips, happy tips, Live Happy

Use this list to kickstart your happiness, starting now.

1. Choose hope.

Hope isn’t the same thing as optimism. Hope is believing the future will be better than the present, and working to make it so. Pick a goal you are excited about, and write down two things you can do to make it happen.

2. Look for your child’s spark.

3. Take your sweat session outside.

Read the rest of this article on Live Happy. 

finding happiness, Happiness

If you had the choice to spend the day with someone who exudes happiness or someone who has a martyr thing going, it wouldn’t be a tough decision, right? How about your super upbeat friend vs. your chronic complainer friend? Not a challenging choice there either. Spend time with someone who exudes positivity, and you are more likely to feel positive. Hang with someone who acts like life’s number one victim, and guaranteed, Debbie downer is going to rub off on you. It’s called emotional contagion, and it means the emotions of others can influence us. So if happy people make other people happy, why is it that happy people are sometimes thought to be selfish?

“The belief that unhappiness is selfless and happiness is selfish is misguided,” says Gretchen Rubin, happiness expert and author of The Happiness Project and Happier at Home. “It’s more selfless to act happy. It takes energy, generosity, and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted.” Put another way …

Happiness takes work.

Happy people are taken for granted because they are thought of as  naturally happy people or born happy, yet upbeat people have to work at being resilient, bouncing back, rising above, and staying positive. The outside world only sees the happy person and not the effort behind the scenes, so positive people don’t receive credit for creating their sunshine-like dispositions. “Happiness is a work ethic. You have to train your brain to be positive, just like you work out your body,” writes Shawn Achor is his book, The Happiness Advantage.

Read the rest of the article on Live Happy: Working On Your Own Happiness Is Not Selfish

dysfunctional family tips, holiday planning, holidays, Relationships, resilience

While we all might desire the kind of holiday perfection we see in a TV movie or all over Pinterest, we will inevitably fall short. We live in the real world, after all, not in the movies or someone’s whitewashed home-crafting highlight reel.

It can be even harder to make holiday magic when you know you have a truly dysfunctional family. We turned to a few of our experts to find out how you can enjoy your holidays without letting the humbugs ruin your plans.

Ask the experts

“Holidays are tough,” says Connie Podesta, author of Life Would Be Easy If It Weren’t For Other People. “You’ve got high expectations, childhood memories we either want to duplicate or totally forget. And we have family members that literally drive us crazy, all smashed together at a table eating lots of carbs and sugar. It’s a recipe for disaster.”

And Pat Pearson, clinical psychotherapist and author of Stop Self-Sabotage, says it’s important to remember that, come holiday time, no one has changed. People on the whole stay who they are. So, what do you do?

1. Don’t expect to heal old wounds

Don’t use holidays as a time or place to repair old childhood wounds, Connie suggests. With difficult family, keep conversation simple. Don’t start a debate or get drawn into their drama. If you can’t answer without wanting to lash out, then just excuse yourself from the conversation and don’t come back. Don’t apologize, defend yourself or make excuses. Just hang near the people you like and that like you. Also, don’t forget to breathe.

Read the rest of this article on Live Happy: How To Survive the Holidays With Your Dysfunctional Family

mentally strong, resilience, strength, strong, strong mind

If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s this: Your life won’t work until you do. So much of what you want to accomplish with your health, fitness and personal goals all depends on the state of your mind. If you let your inner critic run wild, you trip up; we all do. In fact, thinking you can’t do something is the fastest way to weaken your mental state, depleting your energy and drive. Capture a “can do” spirit by using these tips to end the year (and start the next one) mentally strong.

1. Set specific goals.

Setting goals helps mental resilience as you feel your best when invested in a target that demands your focus and pushes you beyond your comfort zone. Once you achieve a goal, belief in your abilities soars. Your resolve for new goals is strengthened because you think: “I did ______, so I can totally do ________.” Get specific and set concrete goals with action steps. New Year’s Resolutions tend to be general and vague, like “lose weight” or “drink less wine.” Instead, try: “Sign up to run my first 5k in March and do the Couch to 5k program to prepare.” Or, “Lose the last 10 pounds by giving up sweets during the work week and by working out six days a week.” Or maybe: “Only indulge in red wine on the weekend as a planned treat.” Whatever the goal, be very specific and create a plan of action.

Related: The One Question That Can Change Your Life

2. Write down successes.

The end of the year is a natural time to reflect and think about what you want to improve upon in the year ahead. But before you focus on change, focus on your successes this past year. Sometimes we skate right by all of the things we’ve accomplished or improved upon because we quickly move to what’s next. Stop and celebrate you before you move on to next year. What are your 2015 wins? What challenges did you take on? What did you accomplish? Make a list of highlights and the steps you took that you are most proud of. Ruminating in your wins is like drinking a tall glass of self-confidence. Cheers!

Read the rest of this article on Get Healthy U: 10 Ways To End Your Year Mentally Strong 

family, Happiness, holidays, Thanksgiving

If you love Thanksgiving but your traditions are getting a little tired, we’ve got you covered. With a little creative planning, you can make this year’s Thanksgiving the most festive and fun-filled yet.

1. Plan ahead for the day you want

It sounds simple, but your ideal holiday won’t materialize unless you make it happen. Maybe you envision a formal Thanksgiving dinner complete with centerpieces, nameplates and an elegant menu. If that’s your plan, spell it out ahead of time. If you want potluck, paper plates, jeans and football, plan that and let people know. Share your desires openly with family, i.e. “I hope you will stay all day so we can have lots of time together”—to create the day you want.

Related: 8 Easy Practices To Enhance Gratitude

2. Think about timing

It may sound like a no-brainer, but the timing of your dinner can impact the entire day. If you call your mealtime too early, you might get stressed with the-time crunch of meal prep (unless you’ve done most of it in the days before). Some like to eat later in order to enjoy appetizers and the anticipation of the holiday meal all day. Or maybe you have guests who are going to be glued to a particular football game during the day. Consider all of these variables and plan accordingly.

3. Relax your expectations

Without dwelling on it, acknowledge something will likely go wrong with your day, but that’s OK. A quirky uncle might say something, well, quirky. Someone might not show up who said they would. If you want to have the best possible holiday, roll with the punches. (Rest assured: No one’s Thanksgiving is perfect.)

Read the rest of this article on Live Happy:

 9 Ways To Make The Most Of Thanksgiving This Year