Author Archives: Sandra Bienkowski

“Sir, it is surprising how many people will go to a distance for what they may have at home.”
— Samuel Johnson

Whenever I see advertisements in the Sunday newspaper for my favorite department stores, I suddenly feel the need to shop. (Apparently, I’m an advertiser’s dream.) As I flip through the pages, I suddenly am in desperate need for a new pair of heels, the sparkly purse, or maybe a beautiful off the shoulder blouse. I tear out the pages and plan my next shopping excursion.

Until I realized one day that I already have what I need. I was organizing my over-stuffed closet with enough bedazzled flip flops to outfit a beauty pageant, and decided I should just stop. With tops and bottoms that have never met, and an entire side of my closet dedicated to dresses (some still with tags), I wondered why I don’t value what I already have. And then I thought …

What else do I think I need that I already possess?

While I am a total junkie for self-improvement and goal-setting, it’s a mistake to believe you don’t have it all right now. Your value doesn’t rest on a purchase, an accomplishment, a relationship or the number of zeros in your salary. Your happiness shouldn’t be postponed until you achieve or acquire something.

Fulfillment doesn’t exist outside of you—from a new pair of shoes or someone else validating you. Your worth fully exists inside of you. You just have to tap into it. Sometimes it takes a little practice. You may even need to construct it from the ground up.

If your self-worth is based on an external thing—when the thing goes away–your worth goes away with it. If you feel your worth innately, people (and life!) will have a tough time knocking you off balance.

You can still set goals, maximize your potential and squeeze as much life into your days as possible, while also choosing to see and absorb internally all the amazing gifts in your life. Your happiness and worth are waiting for you here in the present. Shouldn’t we celebrate where we are and let ourselves arrive? As the saying goes, if not now, when?

Many high achievers thrive by living in constant pursuit mode. Their lives can become stuck on fast forward, and they never (simply) press play. You can be in pursuit and still relish in the present. If you don’t, then you are in a never-ending chase. You might miss the abundance that already exists in your life.

If you operate from a mindset of thinking you already have what you need, you can be happy right now. Suddenly you notice life overflowing. You become aware of the abundance around you. You feel waves of gratitude. You are present in your life. You have arrived.

Fulfillment doesn’t exist out there. As author Gabrielle Bernstein aptly puts it: “If your happiness is based on external circumstances, you are f**ked.” Your internal experience is what you can control.

When you slow down to consider that you may already have what you need—you just might discover it is true. Maybe the next time I feel the urge to shop, I will shop my own closet first.

My favorite Oprah quote is: “When people show you who they are, believe them.” This one sentence can change your world. You can spare yourself grief and aggravation. You can save time. And you can dramatically improve (or even save) your life.

I learned Oprah’s quote the tough way. I was dating a guy exclusively and he asked me to go on a cruise with him. We each paid for our own plane tickets to get to the cruise. We paid for our own cruises. About to board the ship, we were asked for a credit card to pay for drinks onboard and incidentals. He had me go first—meaning he wasn’t buying my drinks either. I was deflated. I didn’t mind buying my own cocktails; I did mind what it meant. He was showing me he wasn’t into me. (And he was cheap!) Part of me wanted to turn back and skip the cruise, but I decided to make the best of it and realized I had a decision to make when I got home.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

A few years out of college, I rented a house with a friend. I didn’t know her extremely well, but she was fun and we both loved to go out dancing at a club up the street. I thought it was the perfect situation for two twenty somethings, friends who could split the rent and expenses. Soon, a different picture of her emerged. She received late notices on bills in the mail. She didn’t always have her half of our rent. Bill collectors left her messages. It got worse. She wrote some bad checks. She skipped out on her court date. One day, she just vanished. I heard she left her car—about to be repossessed—abandoned on a street. She was showing me who she was all along. She wasn’t just someone late on her bills. She was someone who manipulated people, lied, and walked away from her responsibilities.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

If I knew long ago to immediately trust what I was seeing—to believe people as they reveal who they are—I could have made a lot of decisions faster. I could have skipped chronic analysis and the polling of my friends. I could have ditched my eternal hope that people must be better than what I was witnessing with my two eyes. They weren’t better. They were exactly who they said they were in words and actions. I could have ended relationships quicker, saved time and torment, and increased my self-respect if I trusted what I saw.

In other life situations, believing people is a lot more serious than a boyfriend who isn’t into you or a roommate who is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

If you believe people when they show you who they are, you quickly know someone who hits you is an abuser. You don’t say that person had a bad day, messed up once or will never do it again. Abuse is a billboard you don’t want to test.

If you meet someone addicted to drugs, it’s not someone going through a bad patch or partying a little hard. It’s someone saying, I am a drug abuser. I am an addict.

If someone married or in a relationship hits on you, it doesn’t mean you’re special, it means he lacks character, integrity and is a cheater.

You realize when a friend insults you or takes little digs here and there … that person is not really a friend at all.

As soon as people put up their billboard …
I am cheap.
I am not into you.
I am addicted.
I abuse.
I cheat.
I am rude.
I am negative.
I am exploitative.
I am disloyal.
I am selfish.
I’m not really a friend.

Believe the billboard.

You don’t have to watch much news, Dateline or 20/20 to know that some people would still be alive today if they believed the billboard. Most people could at least save themselves some anguish.

As the legendary philosopher Jim Rohn said: “You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay?”

People give you clues as to who they are all the time. Now all you have to do is believe them—the first time. Or as author Iyanla Vanzant says, “When you see crazy coming … cross the street.”

I was adopted and grew up with very little information about my background. I knew I was born at a Catholic hospital in Syracuse, New York. I knew a foster family took care of me until I was adopted at six weeks. My (adoptive) parents thought my birthmother was young, but they weren’t sure. I was named Theresa Marie. For my first 26 years, that’s all I knew. In New York state, adoption records are closed.

With the growing popularity of Websites like Ancestry.com and the show, Who Do You Think You Are?, discovering your genetic lineage has become a fun little recreational pursuit.(Ancestry.com makes a lot more sense to me than the show … not sure why anyone would waste time watching a celebrity track down her ancestral history, but that’s just me.) Ancestry.com advertises: It’s not just history; it’s your history. So start with yourself and we’ll help you find more about your heritage. When I read that I hear the Church lady voice from Saturday Night Live inside my head: “Well, isn’t that special!”

Yes, finding out more about you and your family by tracing your lineage centuries back is fascinating and cool. Who wouldn’t be curious about their family history? But here’s the thing: If you are adopted and born in the wrong state, you can’t even track down your birthparents (not without a lot of luck and hoop jumping). Only half of all states allow access to an original birth certificate when both sides (adoptee and birthparent) consent. In 36 states, adoptees are allowed to seek identifying information, if there is mutual consent, but that’s a big if.

Now don’t get me wrong. Our society has come a long way. Social pressures used to mandate that families preserve the myth that adoptees were formed biologically, leading to closed adoptions being the only option. (I only hope we have also moved beyond adoptive parents feeling societal pressure to lie to their kids about being adopted.) Today, open adoptions in all different forms are increasingly popular.

Closed adoptions have evolved too. National registries now reunite adoptees and birthparents when both sides consent. And in almost all states (except Pennsylvania where you have to petition the court), adoptees can apply for non-identifying information when they are 18. Despite these improvements, I still think we have a long way to go.

I always knew I would search for my birthparents because being adopted made me feel like my story began at chapter three. Someone out there knew why I was adopted, but I didn’t know. Other people had more information about me than I had. When I was 21, I applied to Catholic Charities for my non-identifying information. When the five pages arrived in the mail, I combed through mostly physical descriptions of my birth family for any bit of information I could use to launch my search.

I finally landed on one sentence: “The birthmother’s mother was employed as a town clerk.” Score! The names of town clerks are public information. I began putting together a list of town clerks in New York the year I was born. I searched by process of elimination, using scraps of information I had like my grandmother’s age and gender. It worked. Four months later, I talked to my birthmother for the first time. Soon after, I met my big, extended birth family. The reunion was an extremely rewarding and life-changing experience for all of us … and it continues to be today.

Yet I can’t help wondering how I would search if that crucial sentence wasn’t included in my papers. In New York, unless a birthparent signs up on the national registry, adoptees have to get a court order to unseal their records, and it probably only works if you are dying and need an organ. My birthmom never put her name on a national registry, not because she didn’t want to find me … she had guilt about putting me up for adoption and didn’t feel like she had the right to search.

People—all people—have a right to know who they are. I get that adoptive parents and birthparents need to be protected. No one wants a court battle over a child. I understand the right to privacy issues for a birthparent deciding to give up a child and wanting to start over. I know adoptive parents need to have peace of mind in knowing their child won’t be taken away. I just don’t think closed adoption is fair to the child.

Adoptees should not have to wait until they are 18 to find out their ethnicity or why they were placed for adoption. Access to information should not be a lottery of luck, dependent upon the state in which you are born. I think adoptions should be open and not shrouded in shame or secrecy. There are plenty of reminders as you grow up that you should know your genetic history—like every time you share a family history story at school, visit a doctor and need to fill out a form, or watch a news story about a health scare.

Sure, some adoptees are more curious about their backgrounds than others. Some, like me, satisfy that curiosity with a search. Others don’t know what it’s like to be genetically related to someone until they have children of their own. But I believe all adoptees have a right to know their lineage and how their lives began.

If we are going to have reality TV genealogy searches for sport, let’s get real and replace all archaic adoption laws and regulations that prevent adoptees from fully knowing who they are. Until then, I won’t get excited about people (with living genetic relations all around them) searching for dead relatives. Not until adoptees have the same basic rights in every state.

choosing happiness, finding happiness

Before the days of working for myself, I was a few cubicles down from a guy who was chronically grumpy. Unlike some curmudgeons, he carried it off with half a smile on his face. It was his shtick. He was snarky and always complaining about something, yet it was part of his charm. One of the things he complained about was my incessant cheeriness. He couldn’t believe anyone could actually be THAT happy. Little did he know, I took great pride in his jab because I knew how far I had to travel to arrive at clinically happy. (He probably thought my smile was just a façade for a dark and brooding personality.)

I have to confess that some people act like my happiness is accidental, like it has nothing to do with my own actions and choices. Or in stealing Lady Gaga’s lyrics, “I was born this way.” I’ve even heard, “You always have so much fun; I want to vicariously live through you.” Frankly, those observations annoy me. It’s kind of like telling someone who has practiced 1,000 hours at something that they have natural talent. Happiness sometimes is the result of hard work.

I first struggled with depression as a teenager. I remember going up to my parents in the kitchen and telling them I needed a psychologist. They found me one, but he wasn’t the best. He helped a bit, but it wasn’t life changing. I tried again with a psychologist in my mid-twenties, and struck gold. He was the perfect psychologist for me because he was blunt, funny and I finally felt understood. Here’s just a slice of the process that got me closer to happiness.

Every decision you make shapes how you feel about yourself. You have the ability each day to make hundreds of little decisions that make you feel good about yourself. He used a ridiculous example. Apparently he asked for extra sauce all the time at the Wendy’s drive-through so eventually he gave the cashier extra money as a way to pay for the extra sauces he requested. The cashier looked at him like he was crazy, but he did it because it made him feel good about himself. I got it! Tiny decisions and life-changing decisions all shape your self-image. Each day you can consciously make decisions that lift you up or take you down—but it’s always your choice.

Piss off three people a day and you will be cured. This advice only applies to you if you are silent when people are really ticking you off. (If you already piss people off on a regular basis, go on your merry way.) If you are fearful to make people angry at you by expressing how you really feel, piss off three people a day and call me in the morning. It’s called expressing your boundaries, teaching people how to treat you, and being authentic—and it’s healthy. Plus, depression is often anger masked, and if you can unmask your anger (in a healthy, non-CSI way) goodbye depression. As depression travels to your rearview mirror, you begin to feel gratitude and see happiness ahead.

You are stronger than you think. When I was younger, I thought it would be much easier to be rescued than rescue myself, but my psychologist wasn’t buying. He kept saying, “You are stronger than you think.” Sometimes it was, “You are stronger than you think, lady.” Eventually, I realized he was right. I think lots of people are stronger than they think.

It wasn’t like I woke up one day clinically happy. I knew I had to work through some major stuff to get there. I put myself through mental boot camp. For others, happiness might be a simple choice. Either way, the most important thing to realize is happiness is a decision. I don’t mean that to read like some cheesy car bumper sticker. You can tell happiness is a decision when you meet people who choose to be victims, choose to be complainers, choose to be bitter, choose to blame others or choose not to change their lives. Happiness is in your reach if you choose it. It’s up to you.

Oh … one last thing. My psychologist asked me one day, “How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?” I said, “I don’t know.” He said, “Zero. They wait until the light bulb changes itself.”

Denial is a tricky thing. Someone told me once that denial is the reason you see overweight women wearing tight white spandex in the mall. Now I know it’s the reason really bad singers are surprised when they get booted off American Idol. It’s Paula Deen claiming she didn’t get diabetes from eating her own (butter and sugar) cooking.

We all can have moments of denial. We sell ourselves on some illusion (of ourselves, of a relationship, of our behaviors) because reality is just a little too painful to digest. But healthy people spin out of these brief lapses of denial and reenter the world of reality. They look back on periods of denial and ask themselves questions like … What was I thinking? What could I have done differently? Why did I disconnect from what I know is true? They evaluate their actions and behaviors to change, and to be more connected and aware next time.

The less denial is a part of your life, the healthier and more fulfilling your life will be. People mired in denial are far from improving their lives because they can’t even admit what their issues are or that they are the cause. You can hold a mirror up to someone in denial and they don’t see themselves—not as they really are.

People who want their lives to continually improve—those who want to live their potential—are in a constant search and destroy mission to eradicate denial from their lives. These brave souls purposefully take a hard look at their choices, explanations and mistakes. They get up close and uncomfortable with their issues, and then take a good, long look. They take their insights and absorb them—even if they are painful.

As people move away from denial, they become unstuck. Progress happens. They don’t lie to themselves or others to appear more comfortable or likeable. They face issues, take full responsibility for their actions and resolve to improve. They don’t use other people or excuses to explain their problems. They make decisions faster because they know who they really are. They have more authentic relationships. They evolve.

If you shift your life constantly toward brutal honesty, you can eradicate denial from your life. You will become stronger every time you make it through a situation without selling yourself on some bedtime story to make yourself feel better. As a wise man once told me, “There’s a big difference between feeling better and getting better.” Without denial, you can live a more fulfilling life because you are completely present and fully engaged. There’s no unhealthy buffer between you and the world. Without denial, you can live full out.

Or you can join the ranks of people who lie to themselves so they can stay in their comfort zones, play victim and avoid the hard work of change. The consequence of living in denial is that your life never improves.

Ultimately, the only person you can fix is yourself, despite how much you might like to go around waking other people out of denial. You can only empower your own future. As I was counseled, you only have to play your side of the tennis match. Don’t jump the net and attempt to play the other side because you want to fix everything or manipulate the outcome. Just serve and let go.

Your side of the game is the only thing you can control anyway.

In my twenties, I saw a psychologist for depression. A defining moment in our talk therapy came from a George Bernard Shaw quote he shared with me. “Nothing is as good as it appears, and it’s never better.” It took me awhile to fully grasp the quote and how it was impacting my life, but once I did, things improved dramatically.

Back then, I had a tendency to idealize people. Because of my wavering self-image, I’d look at other people and think, “They totally have their shit together. Why can’t I be like that?” I did it all day long and it slowly eroded my self-image. I kept sliding people up, as I slid down.

I did it in relationships with men. Oh, he has a Harley, a jet ski, he’s a runner and lives in an affluent neighborhood—he must be prince charming! The reality was … he wasn’t nice. The relationship was no fairy tale. I’d look at fit women admiringly and wish I didn’t nose dive into that pint of ice cream while watching shallow TV. Or, I’d meet a woman who was hurling herself toward her career goals while I was working as a waitress with a Bachelor’s degree. Why couldn’t I fearlessly pursue my goals? In my world, everyone was smarter, kinder, braver and more successful than me. Everyone else was a shampoo commercial, women effortlessly tossing their beautiful hair without a care in the world, while I was frazzled and riddled with mental stress, more like the old Calgon Take Me Away commercial.

But it was all in my head. My idealization was fiction. Nothing is as good as it appears, and it’s never better.

You can find examples of this everywhere. Take Kim Kardashian and her fairy tale wedding. Imagine how many young women watched her elaborate wedding planning and wished they could have the same? But it was just an illusion. A marriage that’s over in the same year in which it began is no fairy tale. Take Tiger Woods. I bet thousands of people wanted his golf skill, his endorsement deals, his life. But his life had cracks, and when those cracks tore open for everyone to see, he was undone.

Examples of false idealization don’t have to be that infamous or dramatic. You can find examples in your own life. People you know right now have more going on than you see. They have fears and insecurities. They have things they don’t want you to know. They are flawed and make mistakes. They have doubts and want certain parts of their lives to change. They have problems. They’re human … like you, and like me.

I’m not saying to celebrate other people’s flaws or downfalls to lift you up. I’m saying you shouldn’t torment yourself with how perfectly together everyone else is because you don’t have the whole story.

Take other people off the pedestal and pull them back down to Earth. Use the energy you spend inflating others on you instead …

• Make decisions that make you feel good about yourself.
• Discover the power in thinking about all of your positive traits and strengths.
• Stop comparing yourself to others.
• Understand life can be messy. No one’s life is a perfectly linear procession of progress.
• And if you get really brave, celebrate your flaws. You know, laugh at yourself once in a while.

When you shift your thoughts toward how amazing you are and away from how amazing everyone else is—your success in life starts multiplying because you believe and act upon your own self-worth. You will only want your life. In a liberating way, you will know everyone has days of flawed and fabulous. Everyone has specific weaknesses and strengths. You realize it’s a mistake to idealize people because it only hurts you …. and it’s not real.

The next time you find yourself idealizing someone else’s life, repeat after me: “Nothing is as good as it appears, and it’s never better.”

Facebook posts, Social media brand, your personal brand

Watch every word you type in the social media world or face total ruin. If you read any article about your social media brand, you may become downright paranoid. To post or not to post is the question. “It will be out there, forever” people warn. “You could lose a job, a significant other, a friend, or your reputation,” others say. Um, really?

Sure, I think some common sense is in order when you are online. I don’t think it’s smart to trash your boss/company online (duh), tweet a photo of your bare chest if you are running for political office (and married), or post a Facebook photo of something you just stole. If you are dumb offline, it will probably show up online.

But if you are a relatively normal person, why not be real online? You know, kind of like you would be in person. Maybe some days you are joyful, some days pensive, and every now and then you need to vent. Go for it. I’d rather read your posts—and find you a lot more interesting—than people who act like every post should face the scrutiny of a job interview. If we are all going to spend so much time on Facebook, shouldn’t we be authentic?

Instead of worrying that your status updates are going to lead to total life devastation, maybe it would be beneficial to just ask: What is my Facebook brand? What do my posts consistently say about me? And based on that … Is there anything I need to change?

If any of the following Facebook brands sound like you, perhaps change is in order.

The Angry Rant. You write a rambling, obscure post—probably aimed directly at one person—but you share it with everyone. You use a passive medium (Facebook) to post your aggression online. If it isn’t rambling and obscure, it’s just downright angry. Your post may even triple dog dare others to … “Delete me if you don’t want to hear what I have to say or if you can’t handle who I really am.” Okay.

Share This to Your Status. Oh, please! Like most normal people, I am against cancer and multiple sclerosis, but don’t make me Share it on my wall to prove it. If you like advocacy, take it to the streets. Go help someone with cancer or donate to a cause. I’m against animal cruelty too, but I don’t need to share it to my page to prove it—even if you tempt me with “most of you won’t be courageous enough to share this.” Get over yourself already.

The Proselytizers. You dig God. Your church. Your religion. Your faith. Your Bible. I get it. We all get it. That’s fine. But if all your posts have Jesus in them, please give the rest of us a break and post about something else once in a while. I doubt God is online anyway.

Negative Nelly. You are always sick, injured, complaining or can’t wait until it is Friday. Or at least, that’s all your Facebook posts say. You want to call in sick, or you are happy the work day is almost over. Do you really want people to see your name and associate it with aches, ailments and overall negativity? Cheer up already, you are bringing the rest of us down.

General Weirdos. You poke. You invite others to play Farmville. You turn everything into sexual innuendo because you have the maturity level of a middle school student. You ask people out via Facebook, ignoring or disregarding their marital or relationship status. You post hate speech or your posts are just creepy. You drunk post. Weirdos lack self-awareness. You are out there and you probably don’t know who you are.

The Non-Posters. Call me crazy, but if you don’t tweet, why get a Twitter account? If you don’t post on Facebook, why get an account? Wait, I know. You want to keep up with what people are doing and saying without putting yourself out there. Non-posters are into the silent follow. But let’s remember, it’s called SOCIAL media for a reason. If you want to be a recluse, so be it. Just don’t be one online. Unless you like acting like a stalker.

Since I currently only have a personal Facebook page and not a business one, my posts are … stay with me … personal. Not Jerry Springer (crazy town) personal. My posts are about what I am doing or thinking personally—running, going out with the husband, sharing an interesting article, being snarky or having fun, venting about a writing project or attempting to make people laugh. You know, how I really am in person.

I hope your posts reflect who you are in person too. Here’s to your authentic brand—as long as you like what it says about you.

healthy relationships, keep your power

Too many women give up their power.

I know because I used to be one of them. You want to meet THE ONE. You secretly want your life to emulate a romance movie—minus the drama. You want the ideal relationship so much, you see dream man when he isn’t really there. Or you wait for him to magically turn into Mr. Romance, ignoring that little voice in your head that whispers—This isn’t right. Maybe, like me, you idealize the person you are dating, using your creative brain to give him positive attributes he doesn’t actually possess.

So, you do what any rational person does. You tell girlfriends, “This is it. He’s the one.” Later, when you think back on that declaration, it’s downright cringe worthy.

If you feel like a private investigator piecing together evidence that the man you are in a relationship with is really into you, you have given up your power. It’s like handing your fate over to someone else. You should be asking, Am I into him? Why give the power to a man to play judge and jury while you play lawyer, making your case? What you think, want and feel counts. And it should matter more to you than what someone else thinks of you.

If the person you are in a relationship with is really into you, it won’t be a mystery. You won’t have to figure it out. Authentic relationships—-those that have a shot at going the distance–mean two people openly communicate their desires.

If you silently carry around a wish for your relationship and never give it words, you are surrendering your power. Don’t you deserve to have exactly what you want?

Power means realizing you are more important than any relationship. It means being strong enough to ask for what you want and believing you deserve it. Keeping your power means if you are settling for less than what you want or not getting what you want at all–you should walk. While you may lose a relationship, you will gain a more important relationship with yourself.

Take back your power by giving yourself a voice.

I love this time of year. Today, as I write this, there are 12 days left in the year. I have a little less than two weeks to get things on the board for 2011 … and 12 days left to plan 2012. And so do you.

As we transition from this year to next, you are likely to see story headlines about why most people don’t keep New Year’s resolutions, why gyms are packed January 2 and empty come March, and you are likely to find experts debating about the effectiveness of goal setting.

Ignore all of it.

Debating whether goal setting is effective is like asking you if it’s important to know where you are going when you get in your car. If you don’t set a destination, you won’t arrive. And why inundate yourself with negative information about how most people don’t stick to their goals? You don’t have to be like most people.

I view the start of a New Year as a big deal. Sure, those 10 pound weight loss resolutions are healthy (and common) but think of the transition into a New Year as a BIG, exciting time to tally up your wins for this year (Yeah, YOU!) and time to start drawing on that 365 day blank canvas of the year ahead. You can be a whole new you next year, an improved you or a more productive you. All you have to do is decide! But first …

Celebrate your wins or, as I like to call it, why you rock. Don’t start your year off by making a list of all the things you didn’t do. Don’t begin your year with your inner critic yammering in your head. Instead, list all the cool things you did this year. Write down your biggest growth areas. Jot down what you know now that you didn’t know a year ago. List all the things you are grateful for about 2011. And the places you traveled. List the friendships you made or deepened. Capture the stand-out conversations you had. Recall some of the compliments you received this year. Or the amazing changes you made. If it’s a positive standout memory and it happened in the 365 days of 2011, get it down on paper. Make just one long list of all of these wonderful things about your life, and then take some time to glance it over. Absorb your positive year list before you look ahead.

Make your 101 list. Instead of thinking of a handful of resolutions, think bucket list. I learned this tip from Mark Victor Hansen, co-creator of Chicken Soup for the Soul series of books. Use the start of a New Year to capture all of the things you want to do in your life. A 101 list encourages you to think bigger and pushes you to put more LIFE into your year because you have so much you want to do. Take 15 minutes and write out 101 things you want to do in order to live a life with no (or few!) regrets. Your list can include big goals—like travel to Australia or little goals like write more handwritten letters. Capture everything important to you. The short timeframe of 15 minutes will silence your inner critic that likes to chime in on what you can’t do. When you are finished, give each item a deadline so you will take action—soon. See how many things you can cross off your 101 list in the New Year!

Right now, 2012 is a giant blank canvas. What will you write on it?

It amazes me when I go shopping or walk through an airport and see how unhappy people look. Granted, I am not expecting people to be walking by smiling ear to ear. But can’t people look a little bit happy? Content? Present? We wear our moods on our faces, and the news isn’t good people.

When my husband and I go running on the trail in our neighborhood we encounter all types. There’s the grunter, the head nod guy, the woman who doesn’t look up, and the guy who raises one hand to acknowledge our presence. Then there’s this woman we see on occasion who smiles big, asks us how we are, and tells us to have an outstanding day. She exudes positivity and happiness, and shares a little with us as we jog past each other. It’s contagious. But the grunter is contagious too.

I am sure some people are thinking, yeah, but the economy is bad, times are tough, life is a struggle, etc. but here’s the thing—if you wait until everything is perfect before you feel happy, you could be waiting … forever.

If you have a slew of problems or things you are worried about, I am not saying you need to become Mary Poppins, floating through your day with a perfect disposition. You could, however, focus on what’s working in your life and go to work on what’s not working.

1. Take action instead of worrying. Worry is a useless emotion because the only place it takes you is down an emotional black hole. Worry solves nothing. Taking action is the only thing that will make you feel better about problems in your life and it’s the only thing that can solve your problems. Inaction is the worst thing you can do, and worry is a close second.

2. Despite what’s going on in your life, make a new habit to wake up and appreciate the little things from morning to night. Have gratitude by noticing what you enjoy—a good night’s sleep, your morning coffee, taking your dog for a walk, the sunshine, reading a book, a great song on the radio. Too many people plow through their days never taking in all the good mood stuff. Gratitude is the secret to happiness. You can practice living with gratitude—daily.

3. Make an irritation/solution list. You may have times where nothing big is going wrong in your life, but there are a ton of little things that are adding up and weighing heavy on your mood. Grab a piece of paper and write down all those little irritants. Review your list and see how many irritants you can eliminate. You will feel lighter and it’s often an easy mood boost.

4. Watch what you think about. You do become what you think about. If you focus on the negative, that’s who you will be. Choose positive thoughts—about you, about others and about your day. Most importantly, start with positive thoughts about yourself—if you aren’t on your own side—finding happiness will always be out of your reach.

Take responsibility for the mood and the energy you put out into the world. And if you pass us by on a jogging trail, look up and say hello—and smile.